Laws of Motion
by annatheginger
Summary: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It should be simple, really. He pushes, she pulls. He leaves, she comes running. But in love and war, nothing's ever that simple.
1. Where Is She?

_"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Kaidan Alenko was a good soldier. He followed orders, listened to his superiors.

So, when Shepard told him go, that's what he did.

The emergency lights gave his degrading surroundings a foreboding, ominous glow as he ran through what remained of the living quarters to where the escape pods resided. He could hear the screams of terrified crewmates resounding over the blaring alarms, a sound that would haunt his dreams for many months afterwards.

Small explosions and a cacophony of noise threatened to overwhelm him as he assisted those around him into open and waiting pods. Stepping into one of the emptier vessels, he watched a blast knock a slight woman onto the ground. She remained motionless, even as his pod sealed and promptly launched into the depths of space.

Exhaling deeply, he felt the biting adrenaline in his veins ebb as his erratic heartbeat slowed. There were only four others with him in the pod – two were engineers, one was a CIC officer, and the last was a young marine who couldn't be older than twenty-five. All sat in similar states of distress, illuminated by the single feeble light above their heads.

Twisting to look out of the window beside him, he beheld the Normandy, dwarfed by the offending starship. His eyes widened as what appeared to be a large particle beam cut cleanly through the stern, causing a chain reaction of explosions. Panic flitted through him as he saw the beam aim for the bow, where Shepard would likely be getting Joker to evacuate.

Seeing the faint outline of an escape pod move quickly away from the ship just as the Normandy was struck again, Kaidan breathed a small sigh of relief.

She was safe. _She was safe_.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, an Alliance vessel was there to collect the pods and account for survivors.

Stepping out of his pod, he watched as others emerged, embraced, _You're alive, thank God you're alive_. A group of doctors were there to tend to the wounded, the burned, the soulless.

There was one more pod, only one more, and he held his breath as Joker emerged. His face was tear-stained, his eyes were red, his arm was unnaturally bent. A doctor moved to help him, but Joker simply pushed him away. Moments passed, and she didn't emerge. Where was she? What was she waiting for?

Impatient, as she had always teased him for being, Kaidan walked over to where Joker sat, sobbing, cradling his head. The lieutenant looked in the pod; it was empty.

Turning to the wounded and tortured pilot, he said, "Where is she?"

"I couldn't…"

"Damn it, Joker! Where is she?" he yelled, feeling his control (what control did he have left?) slipping away.

"She… she's…" Joker couldn't finish his sentence, for he was choking on grief and guilt.

Kaidan fell to his knees, waiting for her to help him up. She didn't come. Tears came to his eyes as cold emptiness filled his entire being. He was being killed slowly by loss, by hollowness, by nothingness. "Where is she, Joker?"

Kaidan Alenko was a good soldier. He followed orders, listened to his superiors.

But maybe, if he had said no when she told him to go, if he had disobeyed, if he hadn't followed orders, she would still be here. Maybe she would be here, with him.

"Where is she?"

* * *

_To Kaidan Alenko, his new CO, Commander Shepard, was nothing more than a legend. Having never talked or even seen her, she existed only in the stories he had heard of her, the great commander._

_She was apparently a very private person, considering that she spent most of her time holed away in her cabin. Though he was naturally curious about his superior, the crewmates Kaidan talked to had only seen brief glimpses of Shepard, keeping her under a veil of ambiguity._

_On one of his first nights on the_

_SSV-Normandy, he felt the beginnings of a migraine creep into his skull. Everyone was likely asleep, though Kaidan lay awake on his cot, grimacing at the pounding pain that continually thrummed behind his eyes. Knowing that any attempts to sleep were futile, he pushed himself out of bed and walked to the mess hall, hoping a glass of Scotch would dull the pain._

_The lights were dim due to the night simulation, and the normally bustling hall was still and quiet. Rushing over to the kitchen, he grabbed a bottle of Noverian Scotch, damning the glass and taking a long drink from the bottle. The liquid was rich and smooth, burning warmth trailing down his throat. Sighing in relief as the throbbing in his head lessened, he continued to take deep swigs of the spirit as he moved towards the long mess table._

_Pulling out a chair and slumping into it, he looked up when a slight movement caught his eye. He nearly fell out of his seat in surprise when he noticed another person sitting across from him, a datapad in her hand. The blue glow from the screen illuminated her face faintly, and he saw that she was smiling at him._

_"Hi," she said simply, placing the datapad on the table and leaning forward on her elbows._

_Kaidan smiled sheepishly in embarrassment. "I didn't think anyone was up at this hour," he murmured._

_"It's the only time I can find any peace and quiet on this damned ship," she snorted, tapping her fingers against the table unconsciously._

_"Oh," Kaidan sighed, feeling even more foolish. He began to stand, saying, "Then I'm sorry I bothered you-"_

_"No, you should stay," she interrupted quickly. "It gets lonely after a while," she said, brushing her short hair out of her eyes. It was too dark to make out what color her hair and eyes were, or even the basic definition of her face, though he could see the outline of her features. When he sat again, she grinned at him coyly. "So, whatcha drinking, soldier?"_

_"Noverian Scotch," he shrugged, bringing the bottle to his lips again, drinking deeply._

_"From the bottle?" she asked incredulously, shaking her head slightly in disbelief. "I guess you've had one hell of a bad day."_

_"Nah," he said, the effects of the alcohol making him feel relaxed and lulled. "I get really bad migraines because of my L2 implants."_

_"Oh, you must be Lieutenant Alenko," she said, her eyes brightening in understanding._

_"You've heard of me?" he asked skeptically._

_"Of course," she said matter-of-factly, not elaborating any further._

_He watched her shape shift as she sank into the back of her chair. "What are you drinking?" he asked, motioning to the cup sitting to the right of her hands._

_"Tea."_

_Raising an eyebrow in interest, he teased, "Is it spiked with anything?"_

_"No," she laughed slightly, sipping from her cup. "I don't drink. Or, I guess I don't anymore."_

_"I'm sensing a story."_

_"One I'll never tell," she laughed, her eyes sparkling with mischief. She paused for a moment, looking into her cup thoughtfully. "You know, herbal tea is known to help migraines," she said. "I could make you some."_

_Taken aback by this strange woman's kindness, he could only mutter, "Okay," before she stood and walked to the kitchen. Returning with a steaming mug, she placed it in front of him and resumed sitting. He thanked her before tentatively tasting the hot liquid, its warmth seeping down into his fingertips._

_They sat in amicable silence as he wracked his brain for a common topic. "So, have you met our commander?" he asked suddenly._

_Her eyes flickered with some unidentified emotion – possibly amusement? – as she smiled into her own cup. "Once or twice. Why do you ask?"_

_"I've never met her," he said. "What's she like?"_

_"Oh, she's a real hardass," she said nonchalantly. "Pretty face, but don't let her fool you."_

_"For you, I won't," he said, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them. She stiffened a bit at his flirtatious tone, though he didn't miss how her smile widened before she hid it in her tea._

_He changed the subject quickly, attempting to disperse the awkwardness he felt creep between them. They began to talk about biotics, and then guns, and then family, and then whatever came to mind. Hours passed, and soon the lights began to increase in brightness to indicate dawn. Thanks to the light, he began to clearly see her features. Though it was with a drowsy mind, he still made a mental note of her glossy, short blonde hair, her striking green eyes, and her sweet, soft face._

_Kaidan hadn't felt this comfortable with anyone in quite some time; he never wanted to stop talking to this fascinating, warm woman. Sadly, he knew that he would need at least a few hours of sleep to be able to function the next day. With a heavy heart, he told her that he needed to go back to his sleeping pod. She smiled and agreed before standing to make her leave._

_As he moved to leave, an abrupt thought struck him. "I never caught your name," he called to her, grabbing her attention._

_She had an entertained expression on her face as she looked at him. "My name's Reila Shepard," she said casually, though he did not miss importance of her name as recognition hit him like a blow._

_"Commander!" he exclaimed, straightening his spine and saluting her rigidly. A shock of guilt washed through him as her smile fell, and she nodded her head in acknowledgement._

_"It was… nice talking to you, lieutenant," she said softly, a ghost of a smile playing at her lips. "Maybe we can do it again sometime."_

_"Of course, commander," he said firmly. "Goodnight."_

_She sighed, bringing her hand up to salute him in return. "Goodnight, Alenko."_

* * *

She was weightless, she was nothing, she was insignificant.

The broken pieces of the Normandy marred her view of the star as she floated, to nowhere, to everywhere. She couldn't breathe, there was no air, but she had never been more alive.

They were safe; everyone she loved was safe. Joker, Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Liara.

_Kaidan._

She had never told him she loved him, and that was okay. There was no use worrying about things that couldn't be changed, she decided as her lungs tightened in her chest. It burned, it hurt, but she was alive. She was okay. They were safe.

_God, it's so beautiful out here._

A distant planet held her like a treasure, like she was treasured, like she was loved. If she tried hard enough, she could reach out and touch its surface. It was just beneath her fingertips. She wanted to touch. So she did.

_You're so beautiful._

She would see Ash soon, she thought as the atmosphere cradled her. She fell, but fire swaddled her, teased her skin, and made pain cease. No more pain. She was a shooting star, immortalized, illuminating, imperfect. She had always been.

_Don't forget about me, okay?_

Never.


	2. Just Barely

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"What'll it be, handsome?"

The young asari bartender leaned forward on the counter, smirking at him seductively. Reaching down, he began to unbutton his formal uniform coat, letting the constricting garment loosen. "What kind of Scotch do you have?" he asked, resting his throbbing head in his hands.

"Spiced Lusian, Kahjean Malt, and Noverian," she recited offhandedly.

Hiding a grimace, Kaidan shook his head in disapproval. "I'll just have a batarian ale," he muttered, desperately craving the numbing effects alcohol always brought. The bartender returned after a moment with a tall, frothy glass of the drink, and he took a deep pull from it.

"Let me know if you need anything else," she said sweetly, winking at him before tending to another customer.

Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he sighed with exasperation and exhaustion. Physically and emotionally drained from the events of the day, he could do nothing more than simply keep his eyes open and watch the random civilians pass, engrossed by their unaware, blissful lives.

The finality of the whole day, of the ceremony, of the things said had Kaidan's head spinning and heart aching. To those who hadn't known her, it had been a beautiful service to commemorate the beautiful life of a beautiful person.

To those who had, it was a macabre, soul-sucking reminder of the loss of the one life in the galaxy that deserved, more than anyone else, to live.

_"The Commander was an awe-inspiring woman who never let unfavorable odds stop her from doing great things…"  
_  
All that Kaidan could think the entire time was how much she would've hated it all - the overuse of her favorite color and scent, the sentimental stories told, the relentless tears. She would've despised the vast mass of people she didn't know and that didn't know her, the anxious coughs and whispers coming from those who wanted nothing more than to leave, but had to stay because of obligation.

_"…she cared for her team, she cared for us, like we were her family…"  
_  
They had a casket set up at the front of the room; something about it really bothered Kaidan. Why did they need a casket when there was no body? To others, it may have symbolized something. Maybe closure, maybe peace. To him, it was only an empty box.

_"…hell, she was better than every one of us. Funnier, too."  
_  
Captain Hannah Shepard had spoken on behalf of her family. Her words, though stiff and rehearsed, were of a mother who had deeply loved her daughter and of the crushing loss she felt in Reila's absence. By the end of her speech, her voice was choked and strained from holding back tears.

_"She held the line to her very last minute, and we'll do the goddamn same for her."  
_  
Garrus was the only one who spoke out of Shepard's crew, considering the rest of them wouldn't have been able to muster enough composure to even say three words about their commander. The turian sniper kept his sentences short and to the point, something that Shepard would've appreciated. Ending his dialogue as simply as he began it, he said:

_"So, wherever the hell you are, Shepard, rest in peace."_

* * *

_"Fuck! That stings!"_

From beside him in the room, Ashley snickered into her hands. "I've seen you get shot, Commander," Kaidan said with a small smirk. "I never thought needles would be your weakness."

Puckering her lips, Shepard stared up at them with an annoyed expression. She jumped a bit as the needle touched her skin again, hissing at the twinge of pain. "It's a good thing you're cute, Alenko," she teased playfully, "or I would've kicked you."

The compliment was not lost on the young lieutenant, who failed horribly at stifling his blush. Ash sniggered again and elbowed him lightly in the ribs. "You're the one that wanted to do this," she said to her CO, who grimaced in response.

"I know, I know… it's just that it – fuck – it burns!" she grumbled, attempting to restrain herself from wiggling too much. "Is it supposed to burn?"

"Yes, Commander," Ashley grinned, shaking her head in amusement.

Shepard gave an irritated glance to the tattoo artist and exhaled loudly. "Are you almost done?"

The batarian nodded, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth at her impatience. He pulled the needle away from her skin and rubbed the inked area with a disinfecting solution, making Shepard jerk and release a string of loud expletives. "It's done," he said, gesturing for her to look.

Standing up, Shepard hiked her shirt up a bit more to look at her new tattoo. Written boldly on the right side of her rib cage, she stared proudly at the "N7" that now permanently marked her skin.

"Congrats on your first tattoo, Commander," Ashley said from beside her, admiring the aggravated and raw skin.

"My mother would kill me if she knew. She hates tattoos," Shepard said with a pleased grin as the batarian bandaged the new ink. "I feel like a rebellious teenager."

"You were never a rebellious teenager?" Kaidan inquired, cocking his head to the side slightly.

"My mom didn't allow much room to rebel," Shepard said, laughing slightly. "I remember I dyed my hair blue once. She made me shave it off." With Ashley and Kaidan cackling at her side, Shepard paid the tattoo artist. "It was a good thing, I guess. Blue's an awful color."

"Why would you dye your hair a color you hate?" Ashley asked.

"My favorite color would look stupid as a hair color," Shepard said simply and led her teammates out of the parlor.

"What's your favorite, then?" Ash continued to inquire.

"Lavender. I love the color and the smell," Shepard shrugged.

"A flower_?" Kaidan questioned. "That seems too feminine for you."_

Laughing heartily, Shepard said, "If you haven't noticed, Alenko, I'm female_."_

His eyes roamed her body automatically. "Oh, I've noticed," he said suggestively. The air around them grew still as his words sunk in; he stiffened in horror and cursed himself mentally.

He watched as Reila quirked an eyebrow and paused mid-step, suddenly turning and moving in the other direction.

"Where are you going, Commander?" Ashley asked, amused, as Kaidan reddened profusely.

They heard their CO's resounding laughter as she walked away. "I'm getting Alenko's name tattooed on my ass."

* * *

With bleary eyes, exhausted limbs, and more than a few stiff drinks in his system, Kaidan entered his apartment in solitude. Feeling the beginnings of a migraine creep into his head, it was nights like this that Shepard's absence felt excruciatingly unbearable. The days without her seemed to drag on with monotony and pain, an empty agony that threatened to overwhelm and hollow him all at once.

A year. It had been a year without her.

After the funeral, it was almost like Shepard was erased. No one spoke of her, no one talked of the good she had done. The Council had practically removed her from their records by dismissing all of her previous findings about the Reapers, even after she had saved all their sorry asses. It was an insult to her memory, their complete disregard for Reila's work. She had died for nothing.

The remaining crew of the _Normandy_ were all outraged by their ignorance and tried to get the Council to take Shepard's information seriously, but even with Anderson on their side, the Council never did. After their futile attempts, Kaidan's friends and former shipmates eventually picked up their lives and attempted to move on, many of them completely falling out of the radar.

It took much longer for Kaidan to accomplish the same. The first few months were practically unbearable - he didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't speak to anyone. The survivor's guilt was deep-seeded, the love that he had lost left him constantly. In the end, after three months of mourning, it was Coucilor Anderson who came and practically forced Kaidan to come back to work in the Systems Alliance, where Kaidan achieved the rank of Staff Commander.

And although his job kept him busy, lonely days lead to lonely nights like these, and he knew that wasn't going to change.

Falling onto his bed and cringing from the pain, he reached out for his pillow and laid his head on the stiff fabric. He tried to imagine the gentle pressure of her soft, cool hands drawing nonsensical patterns on his face, on his temples, to soothe his pains. Softly, she would hum an old song that he had never heard as her fingers moved through his hair, grounding him and keeping him safe. She would shift and bring his head onto her lap, and when he opened his eyes despite the pain of light, he would see her lovely face above him with closed eyes and curved lips.

It was the closest he had ever gotten to heaven.

Sometimes, the pain would last through the night. In spite of the hours of crying and whimpering and shuddering, she would stay. She was solid and real beneath him, keeping him from succumbing completely to the hurting when it was all he could feel.

Other nights, the torture would eventually fade to a light aching, and when he would open his eyes to the world again, there she would be. No words could ever describe how thankful he was for her, so he would show her. The hands that she called strong and firm would reach up and hold her face, bringing her down so their lips would touch. Her lips, thick and rosy, smiled against the pressure of his own. Somehow, every nerve in his body lit on fire, burning deeply and savagely under his skin. Could she feel it? Could she feel him burn?

So tonight, as he lay on the pillow that never seemed to feel right beneath his head, he thought on these things. He could almost imagine her stroking his face and humming a song. She was kissing his lips and laughing against his mouth. The fire raged.

His hands moved, but they were no longer his own; they were hers. She was here, with him, kissing his skin, igniting the blood in his veins. Ghost fingers caressed him, and her seductive laughter struck his ears.

A surge of emotions he hadn't felt in so long washed over him, filling him and making him cry out. He tried to remember the little things - the way her hair always felt silky between his fingers, the way her top lip was slightly thicker than the bottom, the way her skin was permanently marred by the scars she had acquired over the years. He remembered the unconditional love he felt for her, the all-encompassing, irremovable love that she had seeded with every smile, every laugh, every word, every kiss.

Her ghost hands quickened, and the pleasure, the unbelievable joy he felt as she held him again threatened to unravel him entirely, to crash over him like a wave and drown him completely.

Then, it was all over. He felt tears as they streamed down his face silently in shame, in anger, in mourning. His breathing was ragged and shallow, though he hadn't truly breathed since he last saw her. The joy, the pleasure, the illusion was receding from his mind, from his hands, and he was alone again.

She was still dead, and he was still alive.

Just barely.


	3. Heart and Mind

Title: Laws of Motion [Part 3]  
Author: annatheginger  
Game: Mass Effect  
Characters/Pairing: fem!Shep/Kaidan A.  
Disclaimer: cursing and violence

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Sudden questions flowed through her mind like boiling water, as if someone had commenced them by flipping a switch. Thoughts, on. She could vaguely hear a voice saying her name, or at least she _thought_ it was her name. A cacophony of sound became sounds that her ears could distinguish. The buzz of harsh light. The hum of multiple machines. A woman's voice telling her to move, Shepard, we don't have time.

The sounds came paired with complete darkness that surrounded her entirely. She felt her eyelids twitch as she realized they were closed, keeping her from discerning her surroundings. It took immense concentration, but she finally willed them to expose themselves to the world. Vision and light stunned her and caused her to cry out suddenly, as if her eyes were no longer familiar with sight. Blinking rapidly to slowly accommodate herself, she forced her heavy and unresponsive limbs to push her body into an upright position. Vertigo hit her like a shock-wave, and pulsing pain thrummed behind her weary eyes.

Opening her mouth to ask the mysterious voice what the fuck was going on, her jaw cracked and popped with a painful jolt. She lifted her hand to touch her face as she stretched its muscles curiously, feeling new scars underneath her fingers. "Shepard. Your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack," the mysterious female voice dictated. Shepard complied by swinging her legs over the edge of the medical table, cautiously putting her weight on reluctant feet. Stumbling a bit as she walked, she made her way over to the locker where the woman said a pistol would be.

She armed herself as quickly as her sore body could manage, putting on an unfamiliar set of armor that fit her perfectly. Though coherent and rational thoughts were returning to her disoriented mind, she found herself shooting her way through the station in a confused haze, meeting Jacob Taylor and Wilson. Surprisingly, she barely reacted when she found out that the facility, as well as all of its crew, belonged to the human terrorist organization called Cerberus.

But after he told her of her surroundings, he shared another piece of information that shocked her out of the fog. She had been dead for two years. Not unconscious, not comatose, but _dead_. Her breath flooded out of her lungs as if someone had punched her in the gut, but she couldn't show it, especially to these strangers, these terrorists. She was Commander fucking Shepard. She was strong. Brave. She could handle anything, including death, apparently.

So as they moved through the station to find Miranda Lawson, the voice, she pretended that the news of her two-year demise hadn't affected her in the slightest. As Miranda killed Wilson, as they evacuated the station, as Shepard met the Illusive Man, she had to act like she was the same strong, level-headed woman that she had always been. But in reality, she was cracking.

Just when she thought she was going to completely shatter, she turned, and Joker was standing there. Her limbs all ached with the desire to run into his arms, but she resisted. It would be unprofessional. Also, it would probably break him.

So, instead, she walked by his side, feeling a little less like a walking corpse and more like the human they had built her to be. He talked of her death as if it were a trivial thing. Somehow, that was better than dealing with its enormity head-on.

Suddenly, he stopped moving in front of a large window, said to watch. Lights came on, illuminating what was beautiful and familiar. The Normandy. _My ship._

She was home.

* * *

_"Garrus, stop babying me. It's just a flesh wound," she tried to assure her concerned friend as they walked through the airlock. "Seriously."  
_  
_She noticed his mandibles twitch in what she guessed was frustration. "Shepard. That bullet went straight into your leg. I'm not blind," he hissed with irritation. "At least have Dr. Chakwas look at it."  
_  
_Rolling her eyes, she tried to hide the limp in her step as they walked down the stairs into the mess hall. "It's really nothing," she murmured seriously. "If it'll make you feel better, I'll clean it up," she told him kindly. "I'll be in my cabin if you need anything."  
_  
_"I need you to take care of yourself," he sighed as she moved away from him and into her cabin.  
_  
_Once inside, she stripped off her hindering armor and chucked it carelessly onto the floor. She cautiously touched the throbbing wound in her upper thigh, a hole that was still oozing thick, drying blood. Walking into her bathroom, she grabbed a towel and put pressure on the injury, all the while gritting her teeth to defy the pain. After a few minutes of the excruciating attention, she threw the bloody towel in her waste-bin and carefully put on her casual uniform.  
_  
_Her itchy eyes begged for sleep, and her muscles ached from exhaustion and painstaking exertion, but the upcoming mission to Feros left her on edge. Knowing that sleep wouldn't come to her (as it hadn't for the past few weeks), she moved over to her desk where her favorite gun lay and begun to disassemble it in preparation for cleaning.  
_  
_A slight tap broke her captivation abruptly, and she called out, "It's open," to the unknown visitor. Heavy footsteps followed the whir of cabin door opening, announcing that her guest had entered. Glancing up from the parts in her hands, a small smile crept across her face as joy colored her features. "Alenko," she said happily, placing down the pieces and turning to face him. "What's up?"  
_  
_"How are you, Commander?" he asked lightly, as if he was attempting to hide a darker insinuation.  
_  
_She had found over the years that the question was normally loaded, so she stiffened in defense. "Fine," she said, her voice devoid of any emotion. "Why? Did Garrus ask you to check up on me?"  
_  
_"No," he said with shock at her tone, his arms raising into a protective position. "I was just worried about you."  
_  
_Shepard blinked in surprise as a small blush burst across her cheeks without permission. "Oh," she breathed. "Why?" she inquired, her eyebrows lifting with curiosity.  
_  
_"I heard you were wounded on Noveria," Kaidan said. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright."  
_  
_"Oh," she murmured again, completely taken aback by his concern. "Well, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me."  
_  
_"Okay," he succumbed, shaking his head slightly at her stubbornness. She watched as his eyes moved down to the pieces of her gun, and his eyes sparked with recognition._

"Is that a Phaeston?" he asked, moving closer to inspect the parts.

_"Good eye, lieutenant," she praised, her smile widening. "I love this gun," she said as she began to piece it back together quickly.  
_  
_"I prefer the M-96," he admitted.  
_  
_"The Mattock? Why?" she inquired, her eyes moving away from her working hands to stare at him quizzically.  
_  
_"It's a little lighter. It doesn't hinder my biotics as much," he said, shrugging under her scrutinizing gaze. "It's also much more accurate."  
_  
_Shepard scoffed and shook her head in disagreement. "That's why you use the scope," she said simply. "Also, the Phaeston has more oomph. I like the power," she stated, her smile twisting into something more mischievous.  
_  
_"I've noticed," Kaidan said with a grin of his own, making Reila flush again from his teasing.  
_  
_"You tend to notice a lot of things, lieutenant," she observed, her eyes flashing deviously. She stood and walked to him, sinking into her hip and crossing her arms. "What else have you noticed?" She surprised herself with the flirtatious tone that was coming out of her mouth, but she was feeling adventurous. Daring. Maybe it was because of the adrenaline still lingering in her veins from the previous mission, but he made her feel unusually happy and relaxed (giddy, even), and the flirting seemed almost natural.  
_  
_She didn't miss the way that his breathing quickened slightly or the way that his eyes flashed hungrily. "I've noticed how ridiculously stubborn you can be," he teased lightly. _  
_"That's not a very keen observation," she laughed, bringing her hand up to run through her choppy hair.  
_  
_"I've noticed that you don't let loose much," he said. "You tend to keep to yourself in your cabin."  
_  
_"I've got a tattoo on my ass that says otherwise, Alenko."  
_  
_He snickered slightly, though the slight reddening of his cheeks gave away his embarrassment. "I still can't believe you did that," he laughed lightly.  
_  
_"Neither can I," she snorted. "I'm never that impulsive. I normally think things through thoroughly before I act. I guess that was an exception."  
_  
_She could feel the air still as Kaidan's mood suddenly changed to something much more serious. "Why me?" he asked, and she knew he was insinuating more than getting his name permanently inked onto her skin.  
_  
_Pursing her lips, she could feel herself beginning to erect the walls around herself to keep him from getting too close. This wasn't harmless flirting anymore. "I don't know what you mean, Kaidan."  
_  
_"Yes, you do."  
_  
_"I don't know..." she sighed simply. "There's something different about you, lieutenant, and I've known it since we first met." Bringing her hands up to run through her choppy tresses, she exhaled again and closed her eyes briefly, keeping herself from meeting his own. "But there are so many regs that state that I shouldn't even be _thinking_ about you, let alone... God. I'm sorry, Kaidan," she said, bringing her eyes down.  
_  
_"You... think about me?" he asked incredulously.  
_  
_"All the time, Alenko," she nodded, sighing with her words as she realized the weight their conversation was carrying. "I trust you, and can't deny that I've come to... I've come to care about you. Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. I know how awful that sounds."  
_  
_She watched as his lips twitched, almost as if he were fighting a smile. "I've come to care about you too, Shepard," he murmured, his voice dropping to a low hum. "And I know that anything we do could jeopardize the mission and your rank, but-"  
_  
_"There can't be any buts, Kaidan," she said firmly, her heart sinking as his face fell. "There's too much at stake right now. Maybe when all of this is over... I don't know," she muttered, more conflicted than she had ever felt before. "I was taught to follow every regulation, regardless of whether or not it feels right. I just don't know if I can defy that part of me," she explained, hoping to make her rejection a bit less forceful.  
_  
_"I..." he said, his voice raw and conflicted as well. "I understand, Commander," he said, nodding stiffly. His change in demeanor was so sudden that it nearly left her with whiplash, and the difference in tone made her heart feel heavy as he broke eye contact with her. After a moment of awkwardness settling between them, Kaidan disturbed the silence. "What's that bloody towel doing in the trash?" he asked, his tone changing again to inquisitive.  
_  
_"That's from the wound on Noveria."  
_  
_"And that's a lot of blood," he added, looking at her with concern. "Have you had the doc look at it yet?"  
_  
_"No, and I don't need to," she said stubbornly, crossing her arms defiantly.  
_  
_"Shepard, you need to stay healthy," he sighed, shaking his head. "I can't stand it when you're hurting," he murmured huskily, his dark eyes burning and crumbling her resolve. "Have Dr. Chakwas look at it, please. For me?"_

_As the succumbing words left her mouth, she knew that she was in serious trouble. Slowly and subtly, a war between her heart and her head had begun. Her thoughts were the bombs and his words were the ammunition. There were casualties. Still, somehow, even with all the regulations and uncertainty, she knew that her heart was winning._

* * *

Hands moved and touched skin, almost as if it were a foreign substance. Fingers traced unfamiliar scars and eyes perceived new imperfections. This was her body, but it felt alien, almost as if she were a guest in her own flesh. She stood bare in her new cabin, in her new ship, in her new being. The mirror in front of her reflected a once-strong woman, beaten down by death and rebirth.

The eyes were the same deep shade of green, at least. She stared at them, and the mirror-eyes stared quizzically and lifelessly back at her. Her skin was the same flushed, pale color that it had always been. Hands reached up to touch the soft blond hair that was so much longer now. Her bangs reached her jaw line now, completely overgrown.

She let her hands run down her bare sides, skimming over the faded, mottled "N7" which had once proudly marked her skin. Counting each of her ribs, she let the fingers brush gently over the curve of her waist and rest on her hips, where an old scar no longer resided. Despite the differences and the similarities, she was solid. Real.

Alive.

Then why did she feel like death was still clawing at her cells, like she was meant to be back in the blackness that she had known only briefly? She knew she was Shepard, she knew she was breathing, but the air tasted stale.

Miranda had tried to explain how they had resurrected her, though Reila hadn't understood a word of her advanced medical vernacular. In essence, she had gathered that her body was comprised of both organic and synthetic matter, making many of her bones and muscles mechanical. With that recollection, the tips of her fingers pressed down on the flesh of her upper arm, attempting to feel the metal underneath the softness of her skin.

Was she a monster? A twisted creature that defied nature? Closing her eyes to the image of herself, she remembered the tone of Tali's voice as they had met on freedom's progress. She had sounded incredulous, happy, even. But even that joy couldn't cover the hint of horror that Tali had felt when faced with her commander, two years dead.

Shepard understood, even if Tali hadn't insinuated it intentionally. She had grieved, made her peace, and moved on. Reila's reappearance had only thrown a kink in her otherwise acceptable life. Was this how the rest of her companions, those she had loved so desperately, felt now? Would they be better off without her?

Eyes opened, and deep green met her gaze. She turned, moved, so that she could see the curvature of her spine. To her, it shaped a question mark, the very foundation of her body.

Then, stark against the ivory that was her skin, she saw the words outlined in black ink.

_Kaidan Alenko_.

Words flowed through her mind in remembrance. Impulse. Laughter. Love.

She had been trying to keep her mind off of the apparently untraceable lieutenant - or Staff Commander, now - but it seemed impossible when he was literally ingrained in her skin. Though it seemed like only a week ago that she had seen him last, it had, in actuality, been two years. A lot could change in two years, and she knew that. He could have moved on, gotten married, had children... She could barely stand the thought.

He had been her rock, her support, her everything. How could she go on and function without him? How could she do something as fantastic as defeating the Collectors without him? How could she _live_ without him?

Parted lips that he had always loved to taste released a sigh. Nervous hands that he had held in his own wrung together restlessly. A bare body that he had loved to explore curved inwardly in sorrow. Breath that he had always stolen filled her aching lungs.

A heart that he alone had kept beat a melancholy rhythm.

_I miss you._


	4. I Was Lost Without You

"_For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Garrus, I need to talk to you."

Looking up from the calibrating logarithms on the screen in front of him, Garrus was surprised to see Miranda standing in the doorway of the Main Battery. "Hey. What's wrong?" he asked, characteristically expecting the worst.

"Nothing," she muttered apprehensively. Walking closer to him, her eyes automatically scanned the room, making him feel self-conscious about his work. "I just wanted to see how your calibrations were going."

"They're fine. The _Normandy_'s updated guns are ready for anything at this point," he explained. Sighing after a moment of still silence, he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Is that all you came here for?"

"Yes," she said quickly. After a moment, she, too, sighed and added, "No, actually." Crossing her arms and sinking into her hip, she shook her head uneasily. "It's about Shepard."

This caught his attention. "What about Shepard? Is she okay?"

"She's fine," Miranda exhaled impatiently. "Well, at least I think she is. She's shut up in her cabin, and she's asked EDI to hold all visitors and calls." Eyes darting to his face, he felt uncomfortable under her gaze.

"Why would she do that?" Garrus asked, confusion coloring his features.

"I… I'm guessing it's about our next mission," Miranda theorized. "I think you should be there."

"Shepard usually chooses who goes with her," he argued, his mandibles clicking nervously.

"I know," Miranda exhaled. "Regardless, I think you should come."

"Why?" Garrus asked, becoming increasingly more suspicious with every word the Cerberus officer said. "Where are we going?"

He watched as her perfect lips pushed together, forming a thin line. "Horizon, in the Iera System."

Miranda's eyes bored into his, as if this information was magically going to answer all of his questions. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Garrus asked. "Isn't that just another garden planet colonized by humans?"

"Yes, but that's not the point," she said harshly.

"Then what is the point?"

Shifting her weight to her other foot uneasily, Miranda explained, "I've recently come across some very interesting, very _personal_ information about our commander's past. Information that I was never supposed to know."

"Alright," Garrus said, becoming increasingly more impatient. "What is it, and why does it involve me going to Horizon?"

She pursed her lips, as if she was physically withholding her words. "Because I think that you're going to need to be there for Shepard."

"Why?" he asked again, raising his voice slightly in agitation.

"Because, Kaidan Alenko is stationed on Horizon."

* * *

_When they arrived back on the _Normandy_, he watched as his normally calm commander rushed past her sympathetic crew rapidly and furiously. Moving to keep up with her frantic and agitated pace, he followed her to her cabin and entered without permission. She didn't acknowledge his presence as she stilled in the middle of the room and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, her mouth twisting into a pained grimace._

"Shepard?" he murmured softly, unsure of what to do or say.

When she removed her hands to look at him, her eyes were red and glazed over with tears. "Kaidan," she choked out, her voice strained and raw with emotion. After holding eye contact for a few moments, she broke her gaze away and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said, her words tainted with self-loathing.

"For what?" he asked her, unconsciously moving closer.

Her body seemed small and frail as she connected their eyes again. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this," she murmured weakly, digging her hand into her hair and shaking her head with disgust at herself. "I just... I didn't know what to do."

"I know," he said simply, his own voice wavering with untold uncertainties.

"Do you?" she whispered. "I told myself that I had to choose the better soldier, for the sake of the mission," she hissed, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

"Shepard, you don't need to-"

"I do, though." Her breath came out in a heated rush suddenly, conveying all of her frustration and confusion. "I tried to be unbiased, I swear I did," she explained, her teeth gritting together in an attempt to hold in her emotions. "I loved Ash. She was my friend. One of the best," she said.

"Then why did you choose me?" he asked with exasperation.

Her features changing with anger, she scowled at his demanding question. "Because the moment I had to make the decision, I knew that I couldn't leave you behind," she yelled out abruptly, her sudden temper contrasting the words she had just said. After a moment, she breathed in as her demeanor softened. "I could never leave you behind, Kaidan," she finished, looking at him with an all-encompassing vulnerability she had never shown him.

He felt as if someone had dunked him in a vat of cold water, shocking him and heightening all of his senses. He had known she had feelings for him – hell, she had admitted as much to him – but to know that she felt so strongly for him… it was a frightening and humbling sensation.

An impulsive thought crossed his mind, and suddenly he was reaching forward to cup her face and bring her closer. Hearing a small gasp escape her, he cut the sound off with his lips. Hers were soft, and though she was hesitant at first, he felt her moan against him as she melted into the kiss. She moved her arms to wrap around his waist as they pulled apart, though their faces remained near.

Watching her as a small laugh left her lips (oh, what a sound that was!), she rested her head against his chest as his own arms enveloped her body. She remained, unmoving, as time passed blissfully.

This woman was so amazingly and completely out of his league, so out of anyone's league, yet she was here, in his arms, allowing herself to be held by someone who was so beneath her.

He heard her small voice, muffled by his shirt, say, "You better be careful, lieutenant. You'll distract me from saving the galaxy."

A laugh rumbled through his chest as he held her tighter. "Don't worry. It'll take care of itself one of these days. Or nights."

"Mmm," she hummed lazily.

Though it might not always be this way, in that moment, he let her warmth spread through his body, touching his toes and fingertips and filling him completely.

* * *

"Shepard? Wait, I know that name," the mechanic said, sounding more disgusted than awed. "Yeah, I remember you. You're some type of big alliance hero," he scoffed, crossing his arms.

"Commander Shepard," a chillingly familiar voice said from behind some crates. Then he emerged, in all his glory, looking almost the same as when she had last seen him. He seemed older, obviously, but also more wearied than she remembered him being. "Captain of the _Normandy_, the first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel," he recited warmly. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

"All the good people we lost, and you get left behind," Delan said snidely, crossing his arms. "Figures. Screw this – I'm done with all you Alliance types," he hissed and strode away, leaving Shepard and her crew alone with Kaidan.

He walked towards her, his face devoid of any emotion, and slowed to a stop about a foot from her. Unexpectedly, he was embracing her tightly, and though they were both armored, she could feel the sincerity and desperateness in the hold. "Shepard," he murmured into her hair. "I thought you were dead. We all did."

Too soon, it seemed, he was releasing her, and she stepped backwards to look at him. "Kaidan," she breathed, feeling like her own eyes were betraying her. "I've missed you," she told him, though her words were completely understated. "How… how are you? How've you been?" she asked.

She watched as his features twisted into what she remembered being anger. "Is that all you have to say?" he asked indignantly. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened." She watched as he shook his head resentfully, his eyes shutting in anger. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real." He inhaled deeply. "I… I loved you."

The words that she had always wanted to hear stung as if he had slapped her. They were laced with venom and vehemence, and she wished he had never said them. _I… I loved you_, replayed in her mind. _Loved_, as in, past-tense. He didn't love her anymore. She wanted to scream at him in anger and in pain, but she held everything in. Like she always did. Put on a good show, Shepard.

Still he continued. "Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

She felt her own temper flare up, though it was suppressed by the deep ache his words were causing. She had never wanted to hurt him. "I'm… so sorry, Kaidan," she said sincerely, her voice shaking slightly. By the look on his face, she knew that he could hear it, and his stony face faltered. "I really was dead. Cerberus spent two years bringing me back."

"You're with Cerberus now?" he asked, shocked. "I can't believe the reports were right."

"Reports?" Garrus inquired. "You mean you already knew?"

"Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy," he ended, his expression harsh and disapproving.

She wanted to tear her hair out with frustration. "Cerberus isn't the enemy," she said, her tone practically pleading for him to understand. "Colonies are disappearing, Kaidan. Human colonies. And the Alliance is doing nothing about it. Cerberus is the only group willing to help."

"You can't really believe that, Shepard," he scowled. "We both know what Cerberus is like. What they're capable of." Stopping for a moment, she could see the conflicted emotions flashing in his eyes, showing her how much this hurt him. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance," he hissed, "and you betrayed me."

"Kaidan," Shepard begged, "please. You know me."

Hesitating for a moment, he looked at her as if he wanted to give in and believe her, but then his face hardened again, showing her no feeling. "I _knew you_, Shepard. But I don't anymore." Another slap to the face. "You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel," he changed the subject abruptly, looking over his shoulder to his shuttle. "They can decide if they believe your story or not."

"Come with us," she implored. "I could use someone like you in my crew." _Please. I need you._

"I'm sorry," he said, "but I'll never work for Cerberus."

"Kaidan…" she murmured, but he shook his head in condemnation.

"Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."

Without another word, the man that she loved so deeply and irrevocably walked away from her and anything they ever had. Her mouth remained open, as if she was about to scream, plead, cry, but no sound came out. She hoped he would look back, give her some inkling that he still cared, show her that this hurt him as much as it hurt her, but his feet continued to move forward, unceasing, unrelenting. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and then Garrus was there, idyllically pulling her away from the fiery wreckage that Kaidan had just made.

Life always loved to fuck her over.


	5. Emptiness

"_For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

At first, he was angry. More than anything.

How could she even _think_, for even _one minute_, that everything could go back to the way it was? As if he would run into her arms after two years of lies and pain, after two years of her being gone. He had missed her so much, and had started to accept that he'd miss her for the rest of his life. How _dare_ she come back and pretend like nothing had happened?

Did she not realize how much living without her _hurt_? Did she not understand how long he had been mad at her for dying and leaving him behind, alone? Did she not comprehend that he _needed_ her like the sun needed hydrogen to burn?

He was still seething when he stormed into his dingy apartment on the Citadel, cursing under his breath heatedly as blood pounded in his eardrums. _How dare she?_ kept repeating in his mind, over and over, until it was all he could hear. _How dare she?_

…But, _God_, did she still look beautiful.

Even if she was some AI constructed by Cerberus (which was a theory that had definitely been in his thoughts), she looked almost exactly how he had last seen her. Her hair was overgrown, but it still had the same choppy wildness that he had always attempted to tame.

Hell, she even had the same glowing confidence that he had admired about her since the time he was a young lieutenant. It was also the same stubborn sureness that had frustrated him whenever they had fought.

But he had also seen the vulnerability she accidentally let show whenever he had truly hurt her. Her pain still left the same aching in his chest, the same guilt that he had remembered hating.

A cry left his lips in a rush as all the conflicting emotions threatened to overwhelm him completely. Sitting down on his bed and letting his head fall in his hands, he pitifully attempted to make sense of it all. But how could he make sense of something as convoluted as so-called resurrection?

He needed to cool off, he decided. Stripping down to his skin, he walked to the bathroom and turned on the water of his shower. Stepping inside and letting the icy water shock him, he leaned his forehead against the wall. Droplets continued to pound his back as he tried to not think about her, not think about anything.

He knew he still loved her, if this reaction was any indication. The realization made him grimace, considering that loving her would only complicate his pain.

Closing his eyes, he tried to think about _anything else_, but all he could see was her smiling at him, her lips touching his skin, her hands caressing his face. _She will be the death of me_, he thought his eyes burned behind eyelids.

Thoughts of impossibly green eyes, impossibly soft skin, impossibly encasing love-

Bringing his fist up, it slammed against the wall with a resounding _thud_. Again it collided; _thud, thud, thud_. He begged for the mercy of a god he didn't quite believe in for this pain to stop, for his thoughts to cease, for this love to leave him. _Thud. Thud, thud, thud._

Lifeless tears mixed with water and ruthlessly flowed down his skin.

* * *

"_Commander, are you ready?" a voice asked timidly from the doorway. "Everyone is waiting."_

"I'll be there in a minute, Tali," Reila called back, and after a moment, the door closed with a whir.

She had been staring at the same picture for the past few hours, it seemed, and her eyes were dry and tired. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to speak to all of them about how brave Ash had been, about how great of a soldier she was, about how deeply she would be missed.

It was too much, too personal, too soon.

She heard the door to her cabin open with a hiss, a sound that left her irritated by her squad mates' impatience. "I said I'd be there in a minute," she scowled, closing her eyes in an attempt to control her temper.

"Ma'am?" a soft, low voice called back.

"Oh," she said, looking over her shoulder at him. "Come in, Kaidan," she said to him, her tone calmer than before. She heard his footsteps come near before stopping behind her.

"I love that picture of us," he murmured next to her ear, his breath tickling her skin. In response, all she could do was nod as her thumb brushed over Ashley's face. "That was a fun day."

Her lip trembled slightly at his words, but she vainly tried to keep a straight face. She looked at the picture of the three of them, Alliance comrades-in-arms, smiles on their faces as if nothing would ever go wrong. Her own face looked completely giddy as her arms encircled the two of them fondly. She had only recently noticed the slight blush that was on Kaidan's face and the way Ashley's eyes had looked at him knowingly.

"We were squad mates," Shepard said quietly, "but we were also friends. And I let her die. Her death was my fault."

Feeling the pressure of a kiss on top of her head, she closed her eyes before any tears escaped. Muscular arms wrapped around her chest, and she heard him say, "It wasn't your fault. It was Saren's."

"I know," she whispered, feeling overwhelmed and out-of-control. "I know. I just can't help thinking that the rest of them blame me," she admitted, opening her bloodshot eyes to look at the picture again.

"No one blames you," Kaidan tried to assure her, but she only shook her head.

"You don't know that." He didn't respond as a tear landed on the glass of the frame. "This…" she began wistfully after a moment, and his arms tightened around her slightly. "This is the only picture I have with her. At least it's a damn good one."

"Yeah," was all he could say, his own voice sounding strained with sorrow. Nothing more was needed.

"Somehow, I think she knew we would end up together. I think she's happy for us, wherever she is," Shepard said thoughtfully as more tears dripped onto the glass.

"I think so, too," he murmured into her hair lovingly.

A heavy sigh escaped her as she moved her arms to brush away the drying tears. "I'm gonna miss her," she said simply, the hurting in her tone apparent.

"Me, too," he said gently, resting his cheek on top of her head. They remained there for a few moments of mourning together as her shoulders shook. As her trembling stilled, he said, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," she sniffed, prying herself out of his arms before standing. "Let's go," she said, setting the picture on her desk lightly and turning to the door.

And in that night, a ragtag family mourned the loss of one of their own, finding solace in each other.

They would never be alone.

* * *

Garrus was concerned, to say the least.

Showing no emotion was usual for Shepard. So was raging and yelling and throwing things. What was not usual, especially after a traumatic event, was smiling and laughing and joking. The whole shuttle ride back to the _Normandy_ was filled with lighthearted nonsense from her, and that was almost scarier than her anger.

Miranda kept her eyes on his face as Shepard laughed about the old times Kaidan and she used to have, almost as if their seeing each other had been a reunion, not a soul-crushing rejection. Garrus, of course, knew what Miranda was insinuating: _this is not okay. She is not okay.  
_  
Garrus had known that would be the case as soon as he found out that Kaidan and Shepard would see each other again. But he expected more cursing, more crying, considering the look on her face after Kaidan had walked away from her.

When they arrived back on the _Normandy_, Shepard headed straight to her cabin in a manner similar to when Ash had died. Garrus followed in the same way that Kaidan had, and that fact made him feel strangely nervous.

She was sitting at her desk when he entered, playing with Nibbles, the space hamster he had gotten her for her birthday. A small grin curved her lips as she watched the tiny creature crawl across her desk, her long fingers stroking the soft fur on its back.

"Shepard?" Garrus said delicately, the word making her jump in her chair.

"Uh, yeah?" she said breathlessly, picking up Nibbles and setting him back in his cage.

"Are you… okay?" he asked her, hoping that she would be honest and not stubborn for once in her life.

Walking nearer to him, she shifted her weight to one of her legs and stopped. "Yeah, I'm fine," she claimed, her voice remaining even and calm.

_Why does she have to be such a good liar?_ he thought, clicking his mandibles with agitation. "How was it to see Kaidan?" he continued, hoping to prod something out of her.

"It was good to see him again." As she spoke, an unnerving smile remained on her face, making him uneasy.

"Yeah?" he asked, a questioning inflection remaining in his voice.

Her smile faltered for a moment as an emotion he could not pinpoint flashed behind her eyes. "Yeah," she echoed him, nodding. "I've missed him," she said.

"I know you have," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Is that all?" she asked cheerily, her grin returning with full force. "Because I'm kind of tired after today."

"Oh," he murmured. "Yeah, that's all."

"Good," she smirked. "See you later, big guy," she laughed.

As he left her cabin, more confused than ever, his mandibles continued to twitch with unease. That was not Shepard; that was not his best friend. Stepping into the elevator, he sighed dishearteningly.

Kaidan had broken something deep inside of her. Garrus just hoped it was fixable.


	6. Alone

"_For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

She moved through the days with a smile on her face, attempting to hide the potent helplessness that she felt underneath her skin. As she found the new dossiers and helped her companions resolve their issues, it seemed that her own only intensified with each fake laugh, each forced grin.

She could tell they were worried; even Joker spoke to her as if she was a fragile child needing to be coddled. But this only strengthened her need to hide her pain from them – she was a grown woman with the capacity to handle her own problems. She didn't need their sympathy, she didn't need their help, and she _definitely_ didn't need their pity.

She just… needed time.

And as that time passed by, her poker face became more and more stable, more and more believable. During the day, the deep ache inside her chest subsided to a dull throb that she could ignore when there was something for her to focus on.

But in the moments of solitude, such as those spent lying in her bed at night, her thoughts seemed to hone in on a certain man automatically. With nothing else to distract her, she got to relive the despairing rejection over and over and over.

And then, the next day, it would be a little harder for her to smile. But still she continued to fake it, for the sake of her sanity and her crew.

Very subtly, after about a month, her friends had stopped noticeably tip-toeing around her. Apparently, the deep cracks that continued to fragment were not as obvious to everyone else as they were to her. That was a good sign. Maybe she was still salvageable.

The only person she had yet to convince was Garrus. He was her best friend, and therefore, knew her as well as he knew himself. She would catch him watching her whenever Kaidan was brought up, as if she would fall apart at the very mention of his name (though, internally, she did). That just made her want to be more okay than she actually was, for Garrus' sake.

She thought she was doing well, up until they had acquired the Reaper IFF. She and the crew had some down time while EDI installed it, so Shepard spent it holed up in her cabin, messing with guns and drinking tea, naturally. The combination was keeping her from thinking about him, so her spirits were actually higher than normal.

That's when a gentle tap at the door broke her concentration. "Come in," she called out cheerily.

In walked Garrus, a solemn expression on his face and a strange look in his eye. "Uh, hey, Shepard," he murmured as he stepped inside.

His demeanor was making her uneasy, but she hid that discomfort and stood, saying, "What's up, Garrus?"

"I just wanted to talk to you," he stated simply, reaching upwards to scratch his cheek with a talon. She knew what a restless gesture like that meant – it showed that he was uncomfortable with the situation. Why was he acting that way around her?

"Okay," she said, trying not to let her suspicion show through. "About?"

"About you," he said, "and Kaidan."

"Oh." _Of course_. "I told you that I'm fine," she said, the corners of her mouth pulling into a smile. "What he and I had is in the past. But thanks for your concern," she explained, hoping that he'd just drop it and leave.

"Shepard, you haven't been acting like yourself lately. I'm worried about you," he said, sincerity rolling off him in waves.

She had to stop herself from letting her contented manner falter. "You're my best friend, Garrus. I'd tell you if something was wrong," she tried to persuade him.

He hesitated for a moment, and she caught a flicker of disappointment behind his eyes. "…Would you?" he asked in a quiet voice, his mandibles twitching with urgency.

Her immediate reaction was to say yes and be done with it, but the way that he had said those words made her pause. There had been a certain vulnerability, a genuine care for her that made her not want to lie. Pressing her lips together and looking downwards, away from him, she felt her eyes start to water as her walls began crashing down.

It was then that she decided that she was going to confide in him, despite her fear of looking weak and dependent. With trembling lips, she looked back up at him to speak, but his appearance stopped her cold.

She noticed the compassion in his eyes, the way his arms were slightly extended, the slight lift of his mandibles to indicate a comforting smile.

He was waiting for her to break down, and that kind of pissed her off.

"You know what, Garrus?" she snarled, her sudden change in mood making him jump slightly. "I'm so fucking _sick_ of people acting like I'm made out of glass!" she exclaimed.

"Shepard, I-" he began, but she cut him off with venom.

"No, Garrus," she hissed. "I'm trying to move on with my life, but all you're doing reminding me of a painful memory I'd like to forget."

He crossed his arms indignantly, and she noticed his own temper flare. "But you aren't forgetting, Reila!" he growled. "I _know_ you. You're good at pretending everything's fine for show, even when you're hurting inside."

"But I'm _not_ hurting," she shouted, not knowing who she was trying to convince anymore.

"Shepard," he rumbled, shaking his head. "Before I went to kill Sidonis, you said to me, 'This isn't you.' You grounded me before I did something stupid. I'm trying to do that for you. I'm telling you, Shepard, _this isn't you_."

"Then you don't know me," she said coldly, thoughtlessly hoping her words would sting. "Now all I want is for you to _leave me alone._"

He flinched as if she had lashed out against him, and she immediately regretted her words. "Alright," he said after a seemingly-endless moment. "If that's what you want, I won't bother you anymore."

Without another word, he left her, and she was alone.

* * *

_With slower movements than usual, Shepard descended the stairs into the second deck before walking into the med bay. "Doc?" she called out as she entered. Stopping cold in her tracks, she noticed Kaidan sitting on one of the cots, his head in his hands. "Oh, shit," she murmured under her breath as he looked up at her, a pained expression on his face._

"Oh, hey, Shep," he said, grimacing at the light of the room. "What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing," she said softly, turning towards the door. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I'll just go-"

"No, no," he stated warmly, "I want you to stay."

Moving her body to face him again, she walked nearer to him hesitantly. He stood, opening his arms and embracing her tenderly. "Hey," he murmured into her hair, making her smile despite her concerns.

"Hey," she whispered back, noticing the way his muscles were clenched from pain. She released him and looked at his face, and despite the agony of his head, he was smiling at her. "Are you alright?"

"Better now that you're here," he said suavely, making her laugh quietly. "So, why aren't you on the Citadel with everyone else?" he asked, sitting back down on the cot and pulling her with him.

"I prefer to be on the ship," she said honestly, shrugging her shoulders indifferently. "So is that where Dr. Chakwas is?" she asked in turn.

"Yeah," he breathed. "She said she needed to stock up on medi-gel before we head to Ilos. I guess we might need it," he said, looking at her face fondly.

"I guess we might," she decided, sighing. "So, how are you, really? How's your head?"

"It hurts," he admitted, "but it's minor. I'll be better in a couple hours," he told her, grinning in spite of the throbbing of his head. "So, how are you, really?" he repeated her question. "Why did you come to the med bay?"

Sighing again, she placed her hands in her lap and pointedly stared at them. "I needed more sleeping pills," she admitted, her face flushing slightly in embarrassment.

"You've been having trouble sleeping?" he asked, and when she nodded, he continued, "For how long?"

"The past few weeks," she confessed tiredly, her breath coming out in a rush. "I've just been so stressed. Especially this week. Losing Ash, preparing for Ilos," she explained, "It's just a lot to deal with."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It is. But right now, you need to relax."

"What?" she asked, confused.

"Sleep right here, with me," he said simply. "No one will be back from the Citadel until later, so no one will catch us."

"You rebel," she laughed, shaking her head in amusement.

"Do I need to offer some incentive?"

Cocking an eyebrow, it was impossible to keep the smile off her face. "What are you insinuating, lieutenant?"

Brushing his fingers underneath her jawline, he brought her face closer until their lips were touching. Feeling him smile against her mouth, she tilted her head to connect them deeper, eliciting a reverberating noise from inside his chest.

Parting slightly, she said, "Alright." She let him pull her down onto her side, where they were facing each other. Encircling her arms around his neck, she nuzzled her nose into his neck and inhaled the scent that was so uniquely his.

Together they stayed, peacefully falling into sleep.

* * *

It was in moments like these that she wished she had stayed dead.

The picture sat on her desk, staring at her like it was alive and breathing, reminding her of all the things she once had but would never have again.

How could she do this without him? It felt like he had always been by her side, always been on her side, but now… she was alone, facing an impossible task.

And she had ignored all of this empty despair, all of this pointless pain, until it had festered into a monster in her soul, making her incapable of feeling and function.

More than anything, she didn't want to be alone.

Closing her eyes to the immobile image of the one she still loved, hollow tears ran down her face as she accepted the inevitability that she would never see him again. She would die defeating the Collectors, she knew, and she would die isolated and unfilled.

Sobs wracked her chest as these thoughts crossed her mind, bringing her to an even lower level than she had been on for the past month.

The sound of her cabin door opening caught her attention, and when she looked up, Garrus was standing there. His mandibles were twitching nervously, and his eyes watched her sadly, but he was here. With her.

"Garrus," she murmured, standing and wiping her eyes. "What…?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he said softly, looking away from her glistening eyes. "I'm so sorry. I just…" he paused, shaking his head. "I can't stand it when you're hurting."

With a shuddering breath, she smiled faintly as uncontrollable tears rolled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, too. I was kind of a jackass."

"Yeah," he laughed slightly, "you were." She stood, smiling at him like an idiot, until he coughed lightly. "Um, yeah. I just wanted to tell you that before we get to the Omega-4 relay in a few hours," he muttered. "Goodnight, Shepard, and get some sleep."

"Don't go, Garrus," she said, stopping him in his tracks. A trembling sob left her mouth, mixing with the laugh that she couldn't control. Suddenly, she had run into his arms, holding him tightly.

"I won't," he whispered, clinging back to her tightly. His plates were most likely bruising her skin, but she didn't care.

"I… I'm so glad you're here, big guy," she admitted.

He was here, he had always been here, and he always would be.


	7. In Love and War

_"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Shepard was not in the celebrating mood.

Though the rest of her crew were drinking champagne and rejoicing in the defeat of the Collectors, she wanted nothing more than to curl up in her bed and sleep. Sure, she had surprised herself by surviving the suicide mission without losing anyone, but she didn't think that was worth celebrating. It was expected of her, and she had simply delivered.

Skillfully avoiding her drunk crewmates and blissfully making it back to her cabin, she sat down on her bed with a sigh. Cringing from the pain of the deepest of her new wounds, she lifted the hem of her shirt to see how it was faring. The medi-gel the doc put on her had stopped the bleeding, but it hadn't gotten rid of the throbbing ache.

Exhaling and releasing her shirt, she placed her head in her hands, giving herself a moment to breathe. This new wound, as well as some of the more minor scratches, would scar. Injuries that deep always scarred. Always.

_God_, she thought, _isn't that appropriate?_ By this point, she was more scar tissue than anything else. After so many years of fighting and hurting and fighting some more, what else could she expect? And even with all of that, her fight still wasn't over yet. There was still the Reapers to deal with.

One struggle after another, it seemed.

Without warning, bitter tears began to well in her eyes. _Stop it_, she ordered herself, _you've cried enough_. Still, tears flowed down her face and stung the cuts there, making her hiss with pain and frustration.

This battle, though finished in her favor, had beaten her down even more. She couldn't help but think of all that she had lost because of this stupid war - Jenkins, Nihlus, Ash - and all the things she could've had, but now never would, such as a husband, a family, a life.

And somehow, these thoughts brought her to ones of Kaidan.

Gritting her teeth and tightly shutting her eyes, she attempted to stem the flow of tears and the paralleling flow of emotions. Even though she had won the fight against the Collectors, she wished so desperately that Kaidan had been by her side, like he once promised he always would be. She wished that he still trusted her, still loved her, still cared.

She knew these thoughts were dangerous. She knew that they would only lead to more pain and heartbreak, but at this point, she couldn't stop. Not without help, anyway.

So with trembling lips and wet eyes, she stood and walked over to her desk, pulling out the bottom drawer. The offending bottle sat, untouched, and she hesitated before reaching down to grab it. The label read "Serrice Ice Brandy," and a memory of offering it to Dr. Chakwas came to mind.

"_You need it more than I do_," she had said, not knowing that Reila didn't drink. "_Enjoy it_."

Shepard had kept it for a possible future gift, seeing as trashing it would be a waste. She hadn't seen the harm in simply keeping it in her room, but at the moment, she knew that saving it had been a mistake.

With a twist of her wrist, the bottle's top was cracked open and hastily discarded. Bringing the opening to her lips, liquid warmth burned down her throat, scalding her from the inside out. Gulping the drink down until she needed to come up for air, her head promptly felt heavier as she steadied herself on the desk's surface.

Her sadness seemed to intensify with the alcohol, and uncontrollable tears continued to stream down her face. Shoulders shook with the intensity of her sobs as she knocked back half of the bottle.

Looking up, the picture of Kaidan caught her eye, and anger shocked her system.

_How… how_ dare_ he abandon me?_

Without a second thought, hasty hands grabbed the picture frame and threw it across the room where it collided with the wall, the sound of shattering glass hitting her ears. Reveling in the primal-ness of the action, she seized the desk lamp to the left of her and slammed it into the floor. With a swoop of her arms, datapads were pushed to the floor, their screens flickering from damage.

"Shepard?" a two-toned voice called from the doorway suddenly, making her start and turn. "Shepard, what the hell are you doing?"

"I don't really know," she laughed in response to the turian, stomping on the datapads and pulling from the bottle. She knew how crazy she must look, with a smile on her face and tears running down her cheeks.

"Are you… drinking?" Garrus asked, surprise and concern coloring his expression.

"Hell, yes, I am. It's a celebration," she yelled back bitterly, her voice sounding mottled and mushed.

Shaking his head and coming closer, he said tentatively, "Give me the bottle, Shepard."

"No," she slurred.

"You don't drink."

"I do tonight!" she called back, bringing the bottle to her mouth again.

"Shepard," he said, moving even nearer, and she could tell he was preparing to snatch the bottle from her hands.

"Garrus," she said, mimicking his tone.

"You need to stop," he cautioned, the manner of his voice making her pause.

Unexpectedly, tears were manifesting themselves in her eyes again, and she saw Garrus' eyes widen in horror. "I'm sorry, Garrus," she murmured as wetness travelled down her face.

"Don't be," he said awkwardly, unsure of what to do, seeing as he had never seen her drunk. "I've got your back."

Dropping the bottle and coming in nearer, her drunken brain slowly began to process his words. He… he _did_ have her back. Always. And he obviously cared about her. So what if…?

Bringing her hands up to rest on his broad chest, covered only by the thin material of a shirt, she looked into his eyes and smiled. "You're always there for me, big guy," she breathed, liking her idea more and more with every inebriated second. Hearing his breathing hitch, she moved one hand upwards to touch his cheek.

"Shepard…" he warned.

"I just…" she whispered, lifting her chin to his level, "I just need…"

Closing her eyes, she brought herself the rest of the way to brush her lips against his mouth. Hearing him make an exasperated noise, she felt the pressure of two taloned hands on her shoulders. Swiftly, she had been pushed away.

"Don't, Shepard," he hissed, shaking his head to straighten his fogged thoughts.

"But…" she whimpered. "Don't you want me?"

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, visibly trying to steady himself. "This is a really bad idea," he tried to explain to her, his resolve threatening to break.

"Why?" she asked vulnerably, tears still running down her face.

"Because," he said, "you're in love with Kaidan."

"But you're in love with me!" she cried out, a sob wracking her chest as she gripped Garrus' upper arms. As the weight and truth of her drunken words fell heavily upon them, she let her arms and head fall.

After a moment of silence between the two of them, she heard the clicking of his mandibles in the quiet. "Come on," he muttered. "Let's get you in bed," he told her, walking her over to her bed and pulling back the covers.

"Only if you stay with me," she pleaded as she climbed into the bed. "Please."

She saw the conflict in his eyes as he thought over what he should do. He sighed after a few long moments, and then he sat down next to her. Opening his arms, she curled into them and exhaled contentedly.

In her drunken state, she didn't realize that this hurt him, didn't realize that there would be consequences of tonight.

All she knew was that he made the pain go away.

* * *

_"Commander?"_  
_  
Looking to the side out of the corner of her eye, she saw the outline of Kaidan in her dimly-lit cabin. Standing slowly and turning to him, she shifted on her feet and crossed her arms. "You… probably shouldn't call me that," she admitted, sighing. "I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform."_

"Yeah, hell of a thing," he said to her, placing his hand under his chin. "We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? I mean, we mutinied, stole a prototype warship, and if they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping," he said with a coy smile on his face. "We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"I just…" she began, shaking her head. "I just keep telling myself we're doing the right thing." Laughing slightly, she added, "I don't think I believe myself, yet."

"Well, if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here," he consoled, walking closer to her. "I guess it will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If… if things don't go well," he started, hesitating slightly, "just know that I've… enjoyed serving under you."

"Kaidan," she scolded lightly, "why are you still hesitating? You already know how I feel about you." Taking his hand with both of her own, she kissed his palm and looked up at him through thick lashes. "What are you afraid of?"

Shaking his head as his breathing quickened, he shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, the regs against fraternization seem kind of petty now."

"Hah," she snorted, "I know what you mean. Before… they seemed so confining and final. But now," she said, stepping impossibly closer, "well, I guess we're in too deep."

"You know what? You're right," he breathed, "about everything." Moving his free hand up to brush her hair out of her eyes, he looked into them seriously and caringly. "I think about losing you, and I can't stand it," he admitted. "I mean, the galaxy will just keep going. Everything. Even the Reapers will come around again," he said, pausing for a moment and closing his eyes.

When he opened them again, they were darker and filled with unexplainable emotion. "But you and I… we're what's important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us," he explained, rambling as if he couldn't find the right words to say. "Reila… you make me feel… human."

She wanted to laugh, to sing, to grin like an idiot. "Kaidan," she murmured, "you make me feel_," she ended softly, releasing his hand and placing her own on his chest. He moved his upwards to tangle in her hair, attempting to bring her closer so he could kiss her. Laughing slightly at his impatience, she put slight pressure on his chest. "Slow down," she teased. "I want to give you something first."_

Reaching behind her neck, she unclasped the chain that was mostly hidden by her shirt. Pulling something off it and grasping at the chain around his neck, she pulled his dog tags from out of his shirt and placed one of hers on it, finally letting it fall against his chest.

"If anything goes wrong tomorrow," she began, "this is just so you know that… that I'm yours."

"Reila," he gasped out, blissfully crashing his lips onto hers. She made a noise of surprise, her eyes opening wide before she melted into the kiss. Hands fisting around the fabric of his uniform shirt, she pulled his body flush against hers and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Kaidan," she whispered against his lips, trying to keep her thoughts coherent through the fog. "Stay… stay with me tonight."

"I'm glad you asked," he chuckled breathlessly, "because I wasn't planning on leaving."

Laughing as he bent down, she shrieked lightly as he swept her off her feet, carrying her rather unceremoniously to the bed. Dropping her upon it, she continued laughing as he crawled between her legs, the look on his face effectively stopping her giggling.

Grabbing her face again, his lips were on hers, making her moan hungrily. Feeling impatient fingers on the hem of her shirt, she helped guide it off, his soon following hers. Shuddering as his velvety tongue laved her bare collarbone, her fingers threaded into his hair and dug into his scalp.

"Quit fucking around, Alenko," she demanded eagerly, completely overwhelmed by delicious sensations. From his place on her chest, he looked up at her with surprise, her tense tone making him pause.

"Is that an order, Commander?" he asked huskily, his voice raw with lust and need.

"Fuck, Kaidan," she hissed, "you're driving me mad."

"So much for romance," he laughed.

Snorting, she pulled his chin up to connect their lips again. This time, it was him that let out a throaty groan, the force of it buzzing against her lips. "I want you, Kaidan," she said between kisses, biting at his bottom lip. Tugging at the waistband of his pants and cursing as she fumbled with the button, she finally released him enough for her to touch.

"Reila," he moaned as she stroked the length of him. As he propped himself up on his forearms, she could see them trembling with the effort of controlling himself. "Oh,god_…"_

After hearing his tone, she knew she was completely done with foreplay. She needed him. Now_._

Pulling off her own pants and throwing them away from the bed, she kicked his the rest of the way down his legs. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she felt him pressing against her, the feeling making her gasp.

Then, he was pushing into her, filling her completely and burning her from the inside out. Her breath came out in quick bursts as he pulled back out, promptly slamming into her again. His lips were suddenly next to her ear as he nibbled his way down her throat.

"K-Kaidan…" she stammered out as he began a clumsy pace, the friction of their skin coming together setting her on fire.

She could feel him clutching at her slick skin as he continued frantically, their bodies bustling with pleasure and weightlessness and overpowering love.

It was in that moment, as his mouth roamed her body and he threatened to overwhelm her irrevocably, that she knew she loved him. She tried to get the words out, tried to tell him how much she loved him, but she was too overcome, too far gone.

There was no war, there was no Alliance, there was no oxygen; there was only him and her, only Reila and Kaidan, only this moment for them to hold and treasure forever.

Suddenly, she was shattering and coming undone, with white light splashing across her vision as she cried out with ecstasy. Her release was his downfall, bringing him over the edge with her. He moaned her name as he collapsed onto her, both their bodies shuddering with relief.

Shifting and turning into his shaky embrace, she kissed the spot where his heart was.

* * *

When Garrus awoke that morning, the bed was cold and empty. Shifting and sitting up, the sound of running water caught his attention as he blinked his bleary eyes. "Shepard?" he called out hoarsely, his voice still thick from sleep.

"I'm in the shower, big guy," she yelled back over the roar of the water. "I'll be out in a second."

"Alright," he answered, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. Resting his head in his hands, he couldn't help but worry about last night. She had fucking _kissed him_. Granted, she was drunk off her ass, but even while inebriated, she had picked up on the feelings he had for her.

"Fuck!" he heard her yell, the sound making him jump.

"What?" he yelled back, confused.

"I have a new wound on my stomach," she answered, and he could hear her exasperation. "I'll heal nicely with some more medi-gel, but it hurts like a bitch right now."

Laughing slightly as the sound of the water stopped, he heard shuffling and humming coming from the bathroom. After a few moments, she emerged, her hair dark and damp. A shy smile rested on her face as she approached him, joining him on the bed.

"Hey," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Hey," he repeated, hating the warm feeling that blossomed in his stomach whenever she was near.

After a few silent seconds, she spoke. "About last night-"

He was shaking his head before she finished. "Don't worry about it."

"But I do," she said. "I just feel so awful."

"Don't," he said softly, trying to keep a straight face. "We'd never work out. Maybe we would've in another life, but…"

"I'm in love with Kaidan," she finished for him. "A lot of good that does me."

"He'll come around," Garrus said, wrapping an arm around Shepard's small, human body. "And if he doesn't, I'll kick his ass."

Shepard snorted obnoxiously, making him laugh alongside her. "Thanks," she said. "So, you and me. Are we…?"

"Good?" Garrus asked. "Of course. You're my best friend," he answered truthfully. He watched as she smiled and made a small noise of agreement, making him squeeze her tenderly. "So what's next for the famous Commander Shepard?" he questioned playfully.

"Well," she said, "I think it's time for me to return to the Alliance."


	8. They're Here

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

_The galaxy's time has finally run out_, Kaidan thought bitterly as he waited outside the defense committee's chamber. Though many had denied their existence, now all would know.

The Reapers were here.

As he watched the people around him pace frantically and talk hurriedly, trying to refute the truth of what was happening, he waited for Anderson to return. Seeing as he was one of the only individuals who had believed Shepard, human or otherwise, Kaidan trusted and respected the man deeply.

He had also been one of the only reasons Shepard was not court-martialed and imprisoned. Thanks to him, she had merely been relieved of duty, which was a light punishment, considering what she had done.

Crossing his arms and shifting on his feet restlessly, he couldn't help but wonder how Shepard had been doing. The reports of what she had _done_ on the Collector base were… mind-boggling, to say the least. Apparently, she had gone in there to save her crew, succeeded, and then blew the whole damn thing up.

But ever since then, there hadn't been much word on the famous once-commander.

God, he couldn't believe it had been a year since he had last seen her (despite the fact that he had once believed he would _never_ see her again). Regardless of the way they had parted, he still missed her. Every day. He pondered over trivial unknowns – would she look the same? Would she be happy to see him? Would she be angry?

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally caught a glimpse of Anderson's face as they entered the lobby. Greeting Anderson cordially, Kaidan looked to the side to see a glimpse of the short, glossy hair that he had always loved to run his fingers through. She was shaking the hand of an unfamiliar, masculine man before she turned and caught his eye.

Thankfully, as he smiled stupidly at the woman he had walked away from, her eyes harbored no anger. Quickly changing, unidentifiable emotions flashed across her face as she held a smile of her own and approached him.

"Shepard," he murmured briefly as she came to a stop in front of him.

"Kaidan," she breathed, sounding genuinely happy to see him, though her happiness was tainted by sadness and worry.

"I asked the Major to come," Anderson said. "I thought it might be nice to see a familiar face."

"Major?" Shepard asked, her expression changing to one of confusion.

"You hadn't heard?" the Admiral inquired, in turn.

"No," Shepard said, her voice almost defensive, "I hadn't."

"Sorry, Shepard," Kaidan interjected, trying to allay the tempest that was surely brewing in her head. "It's been…" he tried to explain, trailing off as the words he wanted to say were lost. _Idiot_!

"That's okay," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "I'm just glad I bumped into you, Major," she said, the formal way of addressing him striking him as cold and strict.

"Yeah," he said simply, "me, too. It's good to see you."

"Yeah," she murmured.

"Admiral?" a red-haired officer interrupted. "They're ready for you."

Nodding, the Admiral led Shepard forward. Keeping a smile on his face, Kaidan watched them go inside, hoping that whatever they decide to do, they'll do quickly.

"You know the commander?" the muscular man said from beside him.

"I used to," Kaidan answered honestly, feeling empty and hollowed out as he said the words.

"Sounds complicated," the other man said.

"It is," Kaidan sighed, running his hand through his hair impatiently. Turning to the man, he straightened and realized, "I never caught you're name."

"Oh. Lieutenant James Vega, Major," James said, saluting his superior respectfully.

Returning the salute, Kaidan said, "Well, lieutenant, I guess we just wait, for now."

"I guess so."

"Lieutenant?" the red-head intruded again. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Ah, sure," Vega said, giving a small wave to Kaidan before following the officer.

Then, Kaidan found himself alone again. Walking towards the large window in the lobby, he leaned a forearm against it and watched the lives outside bustle. Hovercrafts flew, children played, adults mingled. They had no earthly idea of the peril they were in, no conceivable clue of what horrors would soon face them.

The only one who had ever truly known what was coming was Shepard. She did all that she humanly could to save everyone from the biggest threat they would ever face, and no one believed her. She made big risks, such as stealing the _Normandy_ or joining Cerberus or blowing up the Collectors' base, and still, everyone turned their back on her eventually.

Including himself.

Sighing as his thoughts became depressive, Kaidan watched a dark shadow cover part of the city, confusing him. Looking upwards, he swore his heart stopped as a Reaper – a fucking _Reaper_ – descended upon them, followed by what seemed like dozens more.

"Holy hell," he muttered, looking over his shoulder briefly to see many more surprised and disturbed faces gazing out the window. Turning back to watch the Reaper closest to him, he bristled as the red light of its cannon flared up. "Get down!" he yelled to those around him as he ran to cover behind the main desk. A red beam cut through the room suddenly, releasing a deafening hum and causing ravenous destruction.

"Everyone, get to the spaceport!" he ordered. "Get to the shuttles!"

Standing and staying covered as well as he could, he ran toward the hangar. It was amazingly terrible to watch the beams terminate its targets so effortlessly as he made his way forward.

In his mind, all he could think was,_ please let her be safe. Please let Shepard stay safe_. He knew she was capable – more so than even himself – but still, he worried. He loved her (he couldn't deny it), and he couldn't lose her again.

"What's goin' on?" a deep voice cut through his thoughts. Turning his head while running, he saw the lieutenant running aside him. "What were those things?"

"Those were Reapers, lieutenant," Kaidan explained.

"_Por Dios_," he responded with an astonished tone.

"_Major, you read me_?" an unclear voice said over the comm link.

"Anderson?" Kaidan said. "Is that you? Where's Shepard?"

"_She's here too. I'm patching her in_."

Looking at his surroundings, Kaidan reported, "We're almost to the Normandy," he explained as another blast nearly knocked him off of his feet. "I've got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we're taking heavy fire."

"_We're about five minutes out_," Anderson announced. "_Husks_!" he yelled, effectively ending the conversation.

They continued to run as hell broke loose around them. Once at the spaceport, they staggered their way onto the Normandy.

"Joker?" Kaidan called out as they entered the cockpit. "You in here?"

"Yeah," a voice answered back. "Nice to see you too, Kaidan," the pilot teased as the ship lurched forward, "but we're leaving."

"Aren't we going to wait for the Admiral and the Commander?" James asked incredulously as the ship took off out of the spaceport.

"We're sitting ducks, here," Joker said. "I got to get my girl into the air. We'll come back around when they get here." Once out in the air, Joker's jovial face soured as he saw the number of Reapers waiting. "Shit," he said as one of them fired their cannon in the Normandy's direction.

"_Major Alenko_?" Anderson's voice said through the comm link. "_We're in sight of the spaceport. ETA: three minutes_."

"We've made it to the _Normandy_," Kaidan said as the same cannon fired again. "Taking heavy fire-" he said, stopping when another Reaper landed right in the ship's path, "-oh, god." Looking at the chaos around him, a thought crossed his mind. "They're gonna take down that dreadnought!" he announced. "Evasive maneuvers!"

Their communication cut off as the ship dove downwards to avoid a blast from an angry Reaper. With he and James holding onto whatever they could as the ship bobbed and weaved, they watched with dumbstruck awe as the dreadnought above them burst into multiple fiery pieces.

"Oh shit," Joker sighed as a projectile came in his direction, hitting the hull with an explosive thud. "Shit, shit, shit."

"The damage is minimal, Jeff," an automated voice said.

"Is that… an AI?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"Yeah, that's EDI… It's a long story," Joker exhaled. "One best saved for later," he said tensely as more blazing fragments collided with the ship.

"Normandy, this is Anderson… do you read?" an indistinct voice said over the link.

"Admiral," Kaidan said apprehensively. "What's your location?"

"By a downed gunship in the harbor," Anderson answered. "I'm activating a distress beacon. Send-" he began to say, but the signal was lost.

"Damn it," Joker hissed. "Let's get over there."

As they flew towards the area indicated by the distress beacon's signal, Joker activated the Normandy's guns on a few Reaper creatures below. "Is that them?" James asked, motioning towards two faint figures in the distance.

"I think so," Kaidan said. "Joker, get in close. I'm going down to the shuttle bay to help them onboard."

"Aye aye," Joker confirmed.

Making his way onto the elevator and down to the shuttle bay, he found the shuttle doors already open. Getting as close to the edge as possible, he held out his hand as Shepard lithely jumped aboard.

"Welcome back, Shepard," he said to her as she gained her bearings.

Rotating to face him briefly, she said, "Thanks," before turning back to Anderson.

"Shepard!" he called out.

"Come on," Shepard urged, trying to getting him to hurry.

Watching as a shuttle came to unload more soldiers, Anderson shook his head. "I'm not going." As Shepard stared at him incredulously, he continued. "You saw those men back there. There's a million more like them, and they need a leader."

"We're in this fight together, Anderson," she yelled back, her voice persistent and straightforward.

"It's a fight we can't win," Anderson said while gazing at the destruction around him. "Not without help. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers.

"Talk to the Council," he finished. "Convince them to help us."

"What is they won't listen?" Shepard asked, a certain desperation adding an edge to her voice.

"Then make them listen," he said with a small smile, hinting at her fierce capabilities. "Now go! That's an order."

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?" Shepard said, trying to keep a straight face.

Pulling out a dog tag from his pocket, he threw it at Shepard, who caught it deftly. "Consider yourself reinstated… Commander. You know what you have to do," he added as she stared at the dog tag in her hand.

"I'll be back for you," she shouted out, "and I'll bring every fleet I can. I promise. Good luck," she ended.

"You too, Shepard."

Then, without another word, Kaidan watched as she saluted the man she respected more than anyone in the universe and bid him farewell. As the Normandy ascended, Kaidan walked away from Shepard, who stood still as a stone - unmoving, unmovable.

* * *

_"I love moments like these. Everything feels so… peaceful."_  
_  
"Mmm."_

_She knew exactly what he meant, of course. It was in these instances that she felt totally at ease, entirely safe, and completely peaceful. She hadn't had many like these in her life, and as he held her in his arms, she knew that fact should be remedied._

_She also knew that there was much to be done before the Reapers arrived. Though she had fought and killed Saren and Sovereign, saving the Council and the Citadel in the process, the battle for the galaxy had barely begun. But for now, Hackett had given her and her crew some shore leave, and she was going to take full advantage of that time._

_So, for now, as they lay in the back-breaking bed in her small apartment on the Citadel, she intended to soak in every moment she could with him._

_"What are you thinking about right now?" he asked her as he fiddled with the fingers intertwined with his own._

_"Hmm… I'm thinking about all the fun we're going to have on this well-deserved shore leave."_

_"Ah. Yes, we are," he said, blushing despite all they had been through. "Anything else."_

_"I'm thinking that you have strong hands," Shepard said, pulling his arm up and kissing his palm. "Soldier's hands. I like that."_

_"And I'm thinking that you have strong everything," Kaidan laughed in turn, kissing her exposed neck and making her giggle. "Um, excuse me Commander, but did you just giggle?"_

_"Shut the hell up, Alenko," she said forcefully, though she continued to snicker._

_"Yes, ma'am," he chuckled, shifting more on his side so his face was opposite hers. "How did a guy like me end up with a girl like you?" he asked softly, his eyes searching hers for any betraying emotion._

_"I don't know, Kaidan," she snorted. "What exactly is a 'girl like me'?"_

_"Well, for starters, you're the first human Spectre," he said, reaching up to run his fingers through her hair._

_"Yes, I am," she agreed, touching her nose to his sweetly._

_"And… you're the Savior of the Citadel," he recounted, smiling at the title._

_"That one's new."_

_"And you're smart. Sexy. Stubborn," he said with a laugh. "You know, all the things that guys dream about having in a woman."_

_"Flatterer," she breathed, loving him more and more with every passing second._

_She kept a lustful eye on his lips as he leaned forward, touching his mouth to hers. Gasping into the kiss, she brought her hands up to cup his face and keep him close. They kept connected until she needed to come up for air, panting and breathless._

_"At least you're one hell of a kisser, Alenko," she sniggered._

_"I aim to please, Commander."_

* * *

"Shepard, I need a straight answer," he said. _What now_?

"Kaidan…" she said, rubbing her hand on her face with exasperation.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me! This is business," he scowled forcefully. "Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

"What makes you think I know what they're up to?" she asked incredulously, trying not to vocalize her anger and frustration.

"You worked for them, for god's sake," he hissed. "How am I not supposed to think that?"

_You're supposed to trust me_.

"I worked with them, not for them," she muttered back, trying to keep her temper under control. "I needed them to defeat the Collectors. It was a temporary alliance, nothing more."

"That's not true, Reila," he spat back. "They built you from the ground up. Gave you resources, a ship…"

"Let's be clear," she insisted. "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want."

"Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth," James chimed in uncomfortably. "No way they've communicated since," he explained.

"Sorry, Shepard, it's just that…" he tried to explain, but the hiss of the decompressing air cut him off.

"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan," she said forcefully as the platform they were on began to ascend.

"But I can't know," he fought back. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

"Then why are you here, Kaidan?" she yelled, unable to stem the flow of raging emotions inside.

She watched his face as he looked away, his lips pressing together angrily to stop any excessive words from being said. She remembered a time when she used to hold him when he was this angry, and kiss those pressed lips until they released a laugh…

"I don't know," he finally whispered.

"Then I can't help you," she said, walking forward as the platform halted to a stop.

* * *

**AN - This is the first time I've added one of these in a long time! I just wanted to say to PLEASE REVIEW. I put a lot of effort into these, and as much as I love the favorites and follows, sometimes I need some feedback. Please lovelies?3**


	9. I'm Yours

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

It was madness – the flailing of limbs, the force of biotics, the rushing of breath – as they chased Dr. Eva through the Mars archives and onto the landing platform. But Shepard knew from the moment she saw the Cerberus shuttle in the sky that it was too late.

"She's getting away!" she yelled to her squad mates, hoping that they would have an idea that she couldn't think of, that they could do anything to stop Dr. Eva from escaping with the data. "James?" she said into the transmitter. "Normandy? _Anybody_?"

It was then that the Cerberus shuttle began to take off, leaving her feeling helpless and unnerved. What the hell was she going to do now? How was she going to-

"I got this one!" a voice suddenly declared in her comm link, surprising her and overjoying her all at once. _James! Thank god._

When she looked up, disbelief once again shocked her system as she witnessed James driving the Normandy's shuttle right into Cerberus'. Jumping out of the way of the crash-landing shuttle, the result of the collision was a very satisfying explosion.

As Kaidan assisted Liara off the ground while James began to land his dented shuttle, the Cerberus aircraft continued to burn from the impact. "_Normandy_'s en route," James told her. "They'll be here soon."

"We need the data," Liara called out as she limped forward, leaning on Kaidan for support.

Turning toward a sudden noise coming from the flaming shuttle, a badly burned, cybernetic Dr. Eva approached from the destruction. Reila watched as Kaidan advanced toward the body, shooting at it agitatedly, but Dr. Eva seemed to withstand every bullet.

Running toward Kaidan and knocking the gun out of his hand, Dr. Eva grabbed him by the helmet and turned him towards the wreckage she had just emerged from. After a moment's hesitation, she began to beat Kaidan against its surface with superhuman strength, making Reila cry out and run towards the Cerberus abomination.

She began to scream between well-placed shots as it dropped Kaidan's motionless body on the ground. "Get – away – from – him!" she yelled primitively, and the robotic figure fell to the ground, defeated. "Get that thing," she ordered James as she ran to tend to Kaidan, who looked unconscious and badly injured.

Throwing him over her shoulder as the _Normandy_ arrived, she hauled him on board, hurrying down to the med bay as quickly as her legs would carry her. _God, don't let him die_, she thought. _He can't die. Not now._

Once in the med bay, she placed Kaidan's immobile body gently on an examining table. Taking off his helmet so she could see his face, she gasped at how purple his flesh was, despite the protection he had been wearing.

"Oh, Kaidan," she murmured, touching his face and tracing his eyelids. He was breathing, at least. Thank god he was breathing. Closing her eyes to the beaten and battered image the one she loved, she pressed her lips together to stem the flow of emotions.

When she looked up, Liara was there, watching her nearly fall apart. "Kaidan needs medical attention," she said coolly, trying to rationalize with her commander. "We have to leave the Sol system," she explained, and Shepard knew she was right.

"I know," was all she could say. What else could she say when he was dying?

_Was this how he felt when he was waiting for me on the day I died? Did he feel this much pain? _

"The Citadel's the best chance. We can find help there," Liara ended, and Shepard made a small noise of agreement.

"Get us to the Citadel, Joker," she called out calmly, though she was panicking frantically on the inside.

"Roger that," he answered.

"See what you and EDI can find from that thing," she told Liara in turn, and the asari nodded in understanding.

"Commander. I'm receiving a signal from the secondary QEC. I believe it's Admiral Hackett," EDI said.

"Patch him through," she said, looking at Kaidan longingly. "Hold on, Kaidan," she murmured to the still form. "I need you."

* * *

_"Kaidan, I swear to god!" _  
_  
"Yes, Commander?" he mischievously called out to the fuming woman as he rummaged through the refrigerator, pulling out choice items and placing a pan on the burner._

Walking into the room in nothing but a tank top and underwear, he laughed at her flushed cheeks and disheveled appearance. "You can't tease me like that and then walk away," she hissed, her eyes sharp as daggers. "Now get back in that bed and finish what you started."

"Ah, sorry, but no," he chuckled. "I just started to make breakfast, and I can't let it burn."

"Fuck, this whole apartment can burn. I don't care," she scowled, crossing her arms and shifting agitatedly on her feet.

"You… do not have much patience when it comes to sex, do you?" he asked her with a devilish grin.

"Hmph. I liked it better when you were shy about this kind of stuff, Alenko," she scowled. "You're too cocky."

Trying to hide his amusement, he said, "I can leave if I'm too much for you, Commander."

"Don't you dare," she smirked. "I'm not done with you yet." He watched her as she walked nearer to him, sashaying her hips in such a way that it drew his eyes to that erogenous area. Turning off the burner and pushing his ingredients aside, she hopped up onto the counter and gazed at him coyly, giving him a personal and intense invitation to… whatever the hell she wanted, at this point.

Moving in between her legs, he brought his hands up to tangle in her hair, bringing his parted lips to join with hers. Making a hum of approval, she tightened the muscles in her thighs to hold him tighter against her.

"Careful, Shepard," he murmured as she moved to attack his neck. "You don't want to start something we can't finish."

"Who says we won't finish?" she teased, looking up at him from under heavy eyelashes as her arms snaked their way around his waist.

"The French toast I was going to make," he snickered as she resumed the kissing of his neck.

"Fuck the French toast," she breathed against his skin, causing an involuntary shiver up his spine.

"As erotic as that sounds…" he began, "I don't think that's possible."

"Shut the hell up and kiss me, Alenko."

"Yes, ma'am," he joked, and he heard her snort before their lips connected again.

He felt her begin to fumble with the belt on his pants, making him groan as she brushed against him. He pushed against her through the fabric of their clothing, making her cry out quite audibly. "Fuck you," she hissed, trying to regain control.

"Uh, is this a bad time?" a two-toned voice called from the entryway.

Turning with a horrified look on his face, Kaidan saw Garrus standing there, looking awkward and ever so bashful.

"Garrus!" Shepard cried out from flush against Kaidan, pushing him off of her and jumping off the counter, attempting to flatten her hair and clothing. "I forgot you were coming today!"

"I can tell," Garrus said simply, his voice portraying an amused emotion that Kaidan would not have expected in this situation. "I'll just come back later."

"You sure?" Shepard asked, her voice still breathless and lust-filled.

Garrus chuckled slightly, nodding. Turning toward the door, he paused and pivoted back around."Oh, and Kaidan?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget to use protection."

* * *

She didn't know how long she waited, nor did she know why she was uncertain. All she knew was how fucked up everything was, how chaotic her life had become. Somehow, even in all the mess, she found herself trying to lean on someone who was no longer there. The void he left was gaping and cold.

God, she used to be so strong. What happened to the woman, no, the _Commander_ who could walk into hell and come back unscathed? Currently, it seemed that every fight she went into left a chip in the armor that she had built around herself so carefully, and she was sick of letting her weakness show.

But here she was, standing in the middle of a hospital hallway, with pressure building behind her eyes (don't you _dare_ cry, Reila) and a knot twisting in her stomach. Taking a deep, steadying breath, she entered the room without another moment of hesitation.

The air inside was not unusual to hospital rooms; smelling of antiseptic and fear and death, the stench filled her lungs and threatened to suffocate her. Looking up at the man lying in the bed, the steady rise and fall of his chest calming her nerves and reminding her that _he was alive_.

Walking closer and gazing at his face, the skin there was purple and swelled, but she could still make out the features that made him so beautiful. The high cheekbones. The strong jaw. The thick lips. She missed the way he used to laugh, the way his smile conveyed things for only them to know…

Sitting down in the chair next to the bed, she let her head fall in her hands with exhaustion, with frustration, with regret. How much more would this war take away from her before she had nothing left?

Glancing back up at him as he released a small sigh, she couldn't stop herself from reaching forward and touching his hand, establishing the simple connection that had been severed for so long.

"Kaidan?" she murmured softly, hoping somehow, someway, he could hear her. "Kaidan, I need to say some things to you."

He didn't respond, didn't react in any way, and she was unsurprised. "I…" she began to say, but her voice was overcome by emotion. "I know you're having a hard time trusting me right now, and I understand that…" she trailed off for a moment as she collected her thoughts. "You're a hell of a soldier, Kaidan. We need you in this fight.

"But more than that," she continued, "I don't know how I'd go on without you. I just…" Releasing a sigh, she rubbed the side of her face with exasperation. "There are things we haven't resolved, and I don't know if we ever will. I hope we do, but if we don't… God, I don't know," she muttered distraughtly.

After a moment in the silence filled only by the beeping of the machines, she said, "I love you." Her breath came out in an anxious rush after she said the words, as if he'd awaken and reject her. "I never got to say that, and maybe I'd never have another chance. So…"

Pressing her lips together and standing, she brushed his swollen cheek with her knuckles. "Fight through this, Kaidan." Without another word, she turned and left the room, walking down the hallway and into the lobby of the hospital.

"Commander?" a voice called out, stopping her in her tracks.

Spinning to face the owner of the voice, she was confused to see a doctor in front of her. "Yes?" she asked.

"Were you here to see Major Alenko?" he inquired in turn.

"Ah, yes… Why?"

"I just thought you might be the right person to give these," he said with a knowing look, holding out his hand and placing something in hers. "They were on the Major when he came in, and we needed to remove them for surgery," he finished. "That's all. Good day, Commander."

"You, too," she muttered as he walked away, looking at the shiny object that he had placed in her palm. Realizing they were Kaidan's dog tags, she became even more perplexed. Why would the doctor give them to her?

Inspecting them closer, something peculiar caught her eye. With shock coloring her features, she read back her own name and information on a third dog tag. After all these years…

_…I'm yours._


	10. The Dream

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

_"…I love you…"_

The words left her pink lips softly and hesitantly, but she said them all the same. She was smiling at him like she always had smiled at him, like she loved him. It filled him up on the inside and warmed his cold body and brought him a peace he hadn't felt in so long.

"I love you, too," he told her honestly, for he always had and always would.

Without reluctance, she was in his arms with her mouth on his. She still tasted the same, and that knowledge made him smile against her mouth.

Lean arms moved to wrap around his neck and pull him close, and her curvy, toned body pressed flush against him. "Mmm," he hummed as she tilted her head to connect them more completely. Her velvet tongue snaked out to brush against his bottom lip before receding again.

Reaching up to cup her face, he was surprised by the icy smoothness of it. Her lips, now cold, lingered unresponsively against his own.

Pulling away with confusion, he looked at the woman that he loved and gasped with shock. Her skin, always so soft and flushed, now looked shiny and metallic. The green of her eyes glowed mechanically, staring back at him lifelessly.

"Is something wrong, Kaidan?" she asked in her voice, but it was not her voice. It had no emotion, no fluctuation to indicate feeling.

"What… are you?" he breathed, closing and eyes and shaking his head to clear his mind. When he opened them again, the abomination still stood in front of him, smiling in a lifeless way.

Holding out polished hands to embrace him, the fake Shepard tried to move close to him. He stepped away in horror as her metal skin began to melt and run down her body, revealing the synthetic wiring and framing underneath. "I… love you… Kaidan…" it croaked out, still moving toward him with outreached arms.

"You aren't Shepard," he hissed, holding out a gun that suddenly appeared in his hands. "Reila is dead," he told the machine, shooting it in the chest.

Limply falling to the ground, red began to flow around his feet from the bullet hole, staining his clothes with crimson warmth. The features of the creature began to fade back to Shepard's – the same rosy lips, the same plush skin, the same green eyes.

Staring at him with glassy eyes, she moved hands to press on the hole in her chest. Tears streamed down her face as she gasped breathlessly, trying to get oxygen into her punctured lungs. "Kaidan," she panted, holding up a bloody hand for him to take.

Falling to his knees beside her, he grasped her hand as wetness gathered in his eyes. "Shepard…" he breathed out, "Shepard, I'm so sorry…"

_"…I'm so sorry…"_

Gasping out loud as eyes opened abruptly, the sudden change in surroundings left his head spinning. A faint beeping hit his ears as he looked at the white walls and random machinery. Looking down, he realized he was lying flat on a bed, wrapped in a soft white sheet.

A… hospital room?

"God," he breathed out as pounding pain suddenly hit his head and limbs. "It was just a dream…"

Turning his head to the side, he watched the bustling doctors and nurses rush past the window of his room. _Why am I here_? he asked himself as he groaned from the aching. He tried to shift himself out of the bed, but agony struck him whenever he moved.

Sighing with frustration, he stopped and tried to remember why he was here. Flashes of recollection slowly trickled into his brain, and he tried to make sense of it.

Mars… Shepard… Dr. Eva…

Hearing the whir of the door opening, he turned his head to see a doctor walk in. "You're awake?" the man asked softly.

"Yeah…" Kaidan muttered, his voice thick and raw. "What… what happened?"

"You were attacked by a Cerberus VI on Mars," the doctor explained. "The damage to your neck and spine was severe, as was the trauma to your head and its effect on your L2."

"Oh," was all Kaidan could say, surprised by seriousness of the doctor's tone.

"We've had you in a medically-induced coma until the brain swelling went down," the doctor continued. "You should be fine, according to your most recent tests, but you need to be off your feet for a few more weeks."

"Alright, thanks doc," Kaidan murmured, trying to wrap his head around all that had happened as the doctor checked some of the machinery before leaving.

Rubbing his face with the hand without tubes coming out of it, a heavy sigh left his lips. His heart still pounding from the vivid dream, he took deep breaths until he had sufficiently calmed himself. And still, he wanted nothing more in this moment than to have Shepard stroking his face, humming an old song.

Telling him it would all be alright.

* * *

_Awakening to a delightful smell and an empty bed, she sat up and stretched her tired arms. Switching on the light beside her on the small bedside table, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, moving towards the source of the delectable scent._

_"Kaidan?" she called out groggily as she made her way towards the sounds of popping and sizzling._

_"In the kitchen," he responded with a cheerful tone, making her smile._

_Entering the kitchen, she was surprised to see a wide assortment of foods set out on the counter, looking pleasingly tempting. Looking at the man standing in front of the stove, she laughed slightly at the frilly apron that he had decided to don._

_"Good morning," she giggled, moving behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. Gazing intensely at the bacon in the pan he was handling, she grabbed a burning piece and brought it to her mouth._

_"Hey," he laughed in reply. "Happy birthday, Shepard."_

_"Oh, shit," she breathed. "Is it April eleventh already?"_

_"Yep," he answered. "Happy thirtieth."_

_"Shut the hell up," she shook her head against his back. "I'm not thirty."_

_"Whatever you say, Commander," he chuckled._

_"So…" she muttered, attempting to change the subject. "What are we having?"_

_"Pancakes," he answered, gesturing to the large stack of them, "fruit, bacon, and chocolate cake."_

_"Interesting," she laughed._

_"Oh, and I got you something," he said, pulling away from her and taking the pan off the heat. "And don't look so excited, Commander," he warned her. "It isn't much. But I thought you'd appreciate it."_

_Pulling off the apron and lifting up his shirt, she began to laugh. "Already, Alenko? Can't you wait until after we eat?" He gave her a stern look that ceased her laughing as he turned slightly, exposing the small black letters written on the left side of his hip._

_Reila Shepard._

_"We match, now," he said sheepishly, trying to gage what her surprised expression meant. "I don't know if it's too much, but… I don't know," he sighed. "I guess you did my name on an impulse, and… I feel kind of stupid now."_

_"Don't you dare," she said, shaking her head as a smile crept its way across her face. "This…" she trailed off as she placed her hands on his waist, tracing the tattoo with her right-hand thumb. "This is perfect," she said._

_"Well, good," he began, "because it's, you know, permanent."_

_Snickering obnoxiously, she brought her hands up to cup his face, pulling him down and bringing his lips to hers._

* * *

"Kaidan?" a timid voice called from the doorway, pulling his attention away from Udina. Turning to the source, he was surprised to see Shepard standing there, holding a brown paper bag in her hands.

"I'd like an answer, Major," Udina said stiffly, ignoring Shepard completely. "The galaxy has a need of exception soldiers like you – now, more than ever."

"You'll have it soon, Councilor, I promise," he answered truthfully as Udina walked out of the room.

"Shepard," Udina said bitterly in passing.

"Udina," Shepard responded, slightly put off by the Councilor's hostile tone. Turning back to Kaidan, she murmured, "Hey."

"Shepard, hey," he answered. "You just missed snack time – actually, that's probably a good thing," he laughed slightly as she walked in and sat down in the chair by his bed. "Thanks for coming by."

"No problem. What did Udina want?" she asked. "Still thinking about the Spectre position?" she guessed.

"It's a big honor… a huge responsibility. Just need to be sure," he explained.

He watched as a tired smile crossed her face as she settled into the chair, leaning forward. "Here, I got you something," she said, handing him the paper bag. Inside was a bottle of Noverian scotch, which had always been his favorite. When he looked at her quizzically, she simply said, "Just a little pick-me-up."

"Thanks, Shepard," he said, "that's really great." Placing the bottle on his bedside table, he turned to the woman sitting beside him. "Maybe when I'm out, we can crack it open and celebrate."

As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them as he watched as her face fall in disappointment. "I, um…" she began to say.

"You don't drink, yeah," he tried to amend, though the damage had been done.

_Do I really remember her so little?_

"So how are you?" she blissfully changed the subject.

"I'm so ready to get out of here, Shepard," he said tiredly. "I mean, the doc… Doc says I'm good to go, but then he always find 'just one more test' to run."

"You doing okay?" she asked, concern coloring her voice.

"My implant got a little… rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal."

"Want me to bust you out?" she teased, laughing slightly.

"I'll let you know," he answered.

"You know, it's good to see you're going to be okay," she told him, her voice slightly off.

"Yeah, I would've asked you to come, but…" he began, trying to find the right words. "You're always so busy," he settled on the lie.

"Yeah," she muttered, and he knew he was hurting her.

_Will we ever be the same again?_

"You… almost died on my watch," she started to say. "It was horrible to see."

"Yeah, seeing something like that changes you," he said, instantly hoping that the insinuations of his words weren't too obvious. After a few moments of still silence, he sighed. "I think it's time for you to go, Shepard. I'm tired."

As he watched the sting flash across her eyes, she pressed her lips together to stop the flow of emotions. He knew he was being cold; he knew he was intentionally causing her pain, but why? To get back at her for being dead all those years? For leaving him behind?

Or for coming back?

"Okay," she said apprehensively, her voice small. "I, um, I'll see you later."

"Yeah."

He watched her stand and turn towards the door, though she hesitated before she exited the room. "I…" she began in a wounded voice before stopping. "See ya, Major," she said finally.

As she left the room, he wanted to scream he was sorry, wanted to pull her back and kiss her until she was breathless. But he couldn't. His damned pride, his damned pain… he just couldn't let her back in.

So he let her walk away.


	11. Palaven

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

_Welcome to hell,_ was all she could think as she shot the husks attempting to swarm her. Menae looked almost as bad as Earth, and, according to General Corinthus, their casualties were just as high. Having just fixed the tower for the General, she said into her comm link, "General, do you read? The comm tower is now operational."

"_Much appreciated, Commander. I'll contact Palaven Command_," the two-toned voice said into her ear.

"Let me know when you've got something," she said in response. "I'll help your men till I hear from you."

"_Understood_," the General confirmed.

"Shepard out," she ended as a wave of husks wildly approached her squad. Holstering her pistol and arming her Phaeston, she sent a plethora of bullets into the abominations that charged her. Feeling a sudden, grasping weight on her back, she jumped slightly as the husk slammed its fists onto her armored shoulders.

"James!" she called out, hoping that he would notice her dilemma and help her out of it.

"On it, Commander," she heard him say with determination, and after a few well-placed shots from the lieutenant, the husk fell to the ground with a thud.

"Thanks," she yelled over her shoulder, aiming at another surge of the creatures. As one after one fell to the ground, she realized how ineffective her shots were proving to be. "Damn it," she muttered and put away her assault rifle.

Letting out a rather dramatic battle cry, she charged toward a pocket of them and began to strike them down with her armored forearms. Activating her omni-tool, she impaled a husk that was attempting to grab her.

"_Commander Shepard, come in_," Corinthus said in her ear.

"Go ahead," she said breathlessly as she continued beating down the enemies surrounding her.

"_I have information from Palaven Command. Please return ASAP_."

"On our way," she answered, her breath coming out in pants. "Let's go," she said to Liara and James before running toward the base camp, indicating for them to follow.

Once inside, Shepard watched as turian fighter ships flew overhead, making their way to a destructive Reaper in the distance. Shaking her head with sympathy (_will this war ever end?_), she continued to the General, who was waiting in one of the make-shift stations.

"What have you got?" Shepard asked the General as she approached, internally praying for good news.

"As your partner said, succession is usually simple," he said, and Shepard's hopes fell. "But right now, the hierarchy's in chaos – so many dead or MIA."

Her patience starting to wear thin, she sighed. "I need someone – I don't care who, as long as they can get us the turian resources we need." _Damned politics._

"I'm on it, Shepard," a familiar voice said in approach. "We'll find you the primarch."

"Garrus!" Shepard exclaimed warmly, smiling for the first time in what felt like forever. Damning the consequences and the regs, she strode forward and gripped him in a thankful, yet brief embrace. Stepping back, she saw Garrus' mandibles move into what she had learned was the turian equivalent of a smile.

"Vakarian, sir-" the General began to stutter. "I didn't see you arrive…"

"At ease, General," Garrus said formally, his voice commanding and firm.

"You have no idea how good it is to see you," Shepard said in turn. "Although, I thought you'd be on Palaven."

"If we lose this moon, we lose Palaven. I'm the closest damn thing we have to an expert on Reaper forces, so I'm… advising," he explained briefly.

"James," Shepard said, inviting him to come forward, "this is Garrus Vakarian. He helped me stop the Collectors. He's a hell of a soldier," she ended, nodding as the two shook hands.

"Lieutenant," Garrus greeted. "Good to see you too, Liara."

"Good to see you in once piece, Garrus," Liara said cordially.

"General Corinthus filled me in. We know who we're after," he began.

"Palaven Command tells me that the next primarch is General Adrien Victus," Corinthus jumped in from next to Garrus.

"Victus? His name's crossed my desk," Liara connected.

"Know him, Garrus?" Shepard asked.

"I was fighting alongside him this morning," Garrus said. "Lifelong military. Gets results, popular with his troops," he said, pausing for a moment. "Not so popular with military command – has a reputation for playing loose with accepted strategy."

"Regardless of his popularity, he might be the only way to save Palaven. And Earth," Shepard theorized, her voice containing hints of desperation.

"He'll do whatever it takes," he said, his mandibles lifting again. "Reminds me of an old human Spectre I knew."

Laughing slightly, she shook her head. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing, Garrus," she joked. "Okay. Let's get him on the shuttle and get out of here."

"_Commander! Shepard, come in_," Joker called over the comm link.

"What do you need, Joker? We're in the middle of a war zone," she answered back.

"_We've got a situation on the _Normandy,_ Commander_," he said seriously. "_It's like she's possessed – shutting down systems, powering up weapons. I can't find the source_."

"I need the _Normandy_ standing by; we may have to bug out," Shepard sighed tiredly.

"Should I go back and take a look?" Liara offered.

"Do it," Shepard agreed. "Garrus, you said you were with Victus this morning?" she asked as Liara ran towards the shuttle.

"Yeah, but we got separated. He went to bolster a flank that was breaking," he said. "Could be anywhere out there."

"We're trying to raise him, Commander," Corinthus said from his post.

Suddenly, a screeching noise caught all their attentions. "Incoming Harvester, headed for the air field," James called out, pointing at the source of the noise.

As it flew down, coming increasingly close, every soldier in the base unleased the full power of their weapons at the creature. It increased altitude, dropping something just outside of the camp and flying away.

"General," Shepard told Corinthus. "Tell Primarch Victus we'll rendezvous here. In the meantime," she said, "let's go take care of whatever that thing dropped off. Coming, Garrus?" she offered, smiling slightly at her old friend.

Unsheathing his sniper rifle, he smiled. "Are you kidding? I'm right behind you."

"Hell, yes."

* * *

_"Mom?" Reila called out into the spacious office, secretly hoping that she wasn't in. "You here?"_

_"Reila?" a voice called back, and Shepard cursed inwardly. "Come in," her mother commanded, and Reila obeyed._

_"Hey, mom," she said as she approached her stern-faced mother. She was sitting at her desk, a few datapads spread in front of her, her mouth a thin line and her greying hair pulled back in a tight bun. "How are you?"_

_"Things have been hell lately," the older marine said, her lined face hinting at a smile. "Ever since Saren's attack on the Citadel a few weeks ago, well… you know," she said as Reila sat in the seat opposite of her mother's._

_"Yeah, I know," Reila said awkwardly, wanting her mother to be too busy for this social call._

_"So what have you been doing on your shore leave?" the captain asked._

_"Visiting… friends," she said, hoping her hesitation wasn't too obvious. "You know, letting myself go some," she laughed uncomfortably._

_"Not too much, I hope," her mother said. "I didn't raise you to be lazy."_

_"Of course not, mom," Reila said, mindlessly and anxiously thumbing her dog tag._

_She watched as her mother's hawk-like eyes honed in on her hand, her eyes flashing slightly with anger. "Honey," she said, her voice level, "why are you missing a dog tag?" she asked._

_"I, uh, gave it to a… friend," she said, her reluctance much more prominent._

_"A 'friend'?" she asked, her voice raising slightly. "Reila, don't lie to me. Councilor Anderson told me about you and the lieutenant."_

_"How did he-?" she began to ask, but the cold look her mother gave cut her off._

_"How he knows is not the point, Reila. The point is your blatant disregard of the regulations that specifically forbid this."_

_"Is that why you asked me to visit?" Reila asked indignantly, standing with fury. "To lecture me on regs?"_

_"Have you even thought – for __one second – how this could affect you? Your career?"_

_"Yes, mother!" Reila yelled. "But I don't really care anymore."_

_"Well, you should. Think about everything you've done, all you've done up to this point. Would you really squander that on this… fling?"_

_"Kaidan's not a fling," Reila shouted. Allowing herself a moment to breathe, she calmed herself and spoke with a lowered voice, "I love him, mom."_

_"'Love'?" she asked with a taunting tone. "Love is fickle, Reila. You should know that," she said, her eyes daring Reila to contradict her._

_"Just because _your_ love was fickle doesn't mean mine will be," Reila snapped, hoping that her words would hurt._

_After a still moment of silence, her mother shook her head. "It was nice seeing you, Reila," she hissed, "but I think it's time for you to go."_

_"I agree," Reila said, turning towards the door._

_"And Reila?" her mother said, making her pause._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Think about what I've said. End this thing before it's too late."_

_Sighing, Reila murmured as she left, "It already is."_

* * *

"Hey, Garrus," she called out from inside the Main Battery. "You in here, big guy?"

"Yeah, Shepard," he answered back from deeper inside. She walked towards his voice, and when she found him hunched over (probably calibrating something), he looked up and said, "Hey."

"So how are you, Vakarian?" she asked coyly.

"I'm alive, Shepard," he answered, his voice cynical. "I guess that counts for something."

"Yeah, I understand," she said as he continued fiddling with some wires. "Didn't waste any time getting back to work, I see."

"After what I've been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on," he explained and stood, turning to face her.

"We're going to need you for more than your aim," she said, trying to keep her tone light.

"Oh, I'm ready for it, but I'm pretty sure we'll still need giant guns," he said teasingly, "and lots of them. Sovereign didn't go down without a fight. And I doubt a thousand more of his friends will be any different." After a moment, he said, "Still not convinced I should've left Palaven behind."

"I know, Garrus. It was hard leaving Earth, too," she said. "But we have to deal with all this political shit before we can actually kill anything," she said bitterly. "Anyway, I hear you're their 'expert advisor' now?"

"Just followed your example, Shepard. Yell loud enough, and someone will eventually come over to see what all the fuss is about," he joked, making her laugh slightly. "Not that they'll actually do anything about it."

"Until hell shows up at their door," she grinned ironically. "Then they put you in charge."

"Not like the old days, is it?" he asked turning and walking to the central part of the Main Battery, and she followed. "Rogue Spectre and C-Sec agents running and gunning outside the lines, making it up as we went along." He paused for a moment, laughing somewhat. "I guess we're actually respectable now."

"It's not like things will be any easier because of that," she sighed.

"I know," he said, exhaling. "But when have they ever been?"

"Never," she chuckled.

She leaned against the railing as he began to work again, and the air between them fell into a comfortable silence. She couldn't help but think just how _good_ it felt to have him back on the _Normandy_, back with her.

She had really missed him.

"So, uh," she heard him begin to say, "I don't want to bring up any unpleasantness, but how's Kaidan doing? I hear he was injured on Mars."

"Yeah," she mumbled. "He suffered severe trauma to his head and neck. Things got… pretty close," she explained, trying not to relive any of the pain his near-death had brought.

"Has he woken up?"

"Mmhm," she confirmed. "I actually visited him a couple days ago. He was… distant, to say the least. He asked me to leave ten minutes in."

"Jackass," she heard Garrus mutter to himself, and she smiled faintly in response. "But he's going to be okay?" he asked louder, intending for her to hear his words.

"Yeah," she answered. "Udina wants him to be a Spectre."

"Do you think he'll want to come back to the _Normandy_?" Garrus inquired, and she shook her head.

"I really don't know, Garrus," she sighed. "It didn't really seem like he wanted anything to do with me." She watched as Garrus' mandibles clicked anxiously, his hands curling into fists with anger he had never gotten to express to the Major. "Regardless, that's a problem for another day."

"Yeah, I guess it is," he said simply. "Anything else you needed, Shepard?"

"Nope," she answered. "I'll let you work."

"Alright, Shepard. See you later."


	12. When Kalros Comes

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Hey, Shepard," he said cordially as she walked into the room. Though his body still hurt like a bitch, he was upright and standing, and that was saying something. "If you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon," he said, his voice still unintentionally holding resentment towards her.

"Good to hear," she said apprehensively.

"Maybe you already saw the vid," he began, "but I accepted Udina's offer."

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko," she said cheerfully. "That's a big deal."

"Only the second human Spectre…" he muttered, almost to himself. "It's humbling. Udina thinks they may have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. And he says the celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto," he explained, trying to keep his tone conversational.

"Are you ready to take on that responsibility?" she asked, and though he knew she didn't intend her comment to be doubtful, her distrust angered him all the same.

"Why? You don't think I can handle it?" he inquired, his voice fluctuating with irritation.

"No – that's not what I…" she breathed, stopping for a moment. "Don't put words in my mouth, Kaidan."

"I'm sorry," he said, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders. "It's just that you set the bar pretty high. But I'll do my best." He paused and let the strain between the two of them diffuse a bit before he continued. "It's strange – on Mars, I should've died. The promotion from Anderson, the Spectre status…" he trailed off. "These are terrible days. But I've been lucky," he told her truthfully.

"You're perfect for the job," she praised, cocking a hip and crossing her arms. "On Eden Prime, I knew there was something special about you. You're a good soldier," she said, and he could hear the honesty in her voice.

Somehow, her praise only made his annoyance hotter.

"Thanks, Shepard," he said tightly.

"Although, I thought you might want to join the _Normandy_," she said softly, trying not to pressure him.

"Yeah… I just don't know if that's where I'm meant to be, Shepard," he said tentatively. "It might've been, before, but now…"

"Yeah," she murmured, her voice low and her face falling. "Yeah, I understand. You're a different person, now," she said thickly, and he could tell that she was trying to not let her emotion show through.

"Yeah, I am," he said.

"Hey, Kaidan?" she inquired. "Can we actually talk for a minute?"

"About what?" he snapped.

"About _that_,"she hissed. "About the way you've been treating me, about how angry you are at me!"

"And why shouldn't I be angry?" he asked, his own temper flaring. "How can I possibly trust you after all I've been through?"

"All I did was _die_, Kaidan!" she yelled. "It was something I had absolutely _no control over_."

"Do you have any idea how much your death hurt, Reila?" he shouted back. "And just when I thought that I could live without you, just when I thought I was getting over you dying, you _come back_."

"Again, something I had no control over."

"Sometimes I just wish you never came back," he spat.

"So are you saying you wish I were dead?" she said, making a cross expression and pushing her lips into a thin line.

"All I'm saying is that it would make my life a whole lot easier!" he called back, hoping the words would sting, hoping she would hurt as much as he had hurt.

"Wow, okay," she said, her voice unnaturally calm. "I think I should go," she murmured, trying to keep her tone level. Turning towards the door, she began to walk away from him, possibly for good.

"Shepard…" he said, realizing how far he had crossed the line. "I didn't…"

"Yes you did," she said with her back still turned to him, though she had stopped moving. "And just to let you know, I wish I never came back, too. Every day." Rotating slightly, he was unnerved by the stony look on her face. "And although I did come back, that could change in a moment's notice, Kaidan, because I'm in the middle of a goddamn war."

"Reila…"

"_Don't_ fucking 'Reila' me," she said coldly, as though she as trying to compensate for her pain. "I don't know what you want from me," she continued, "but I'm done." Turning away from him, he heard her say, "Goodbye, Kaidan," as she walked through the doors, her voice sounding strangely off. He watched her hesitate, as if she would say more, yell more, but she then continued to walk forward.

Leaning his forearm against the window, he sighed and closed his eyes, regretting what he did and didn't say. He couldn't just let her back in, could he?

What if he lost her again?

There was just too much time between them, too much shit in the way for things to ever go back to the way they had been. So, the logical thing would be to cut her out of his life and stop thinking about her.

He wished it could be that simple.

* * *

_He found her curled under the covers, eyes wide open in a blank stare, cheeks bright pink from the friction of tears. Sitting down next do her curved form, he murmured, "Hey," and rubbed her back through the sheets. "You okay?"_

_"Yeah," she said in a small voice. "I think so."_

_"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, brushing her short hair out of her face with a gentle touch._

_"Not really," she muttered, closing her eyes and nuzzling her face into the covers._

_"Okay," he said, kicking off his shoes and lifting up the covers next to her. Shifting slightly, he was soon spooned around her, the blankets enveloping the both of them. "Then we'll just lay here."_

_After a moment of silence between them, he felt her body start to tremble. "Shepard?" he asked soothingly. "Shepard, are you alright?"_

_She turned to face him, and he saw tears running down her already-raw face. He felt the soft pressure of her hands on his neck, as if he was the one who needed to be comforted. "Yeah, everything's fine," she answered, smiling through the tears. "I'm just so happy with you," she told him._

_"I'm happy with you, too," he said, confusion coloring his features._

_She simply continued to smile as the tears fell down her face, and she nuzzled her nose into his neck. "Mmm…" she hummed, and he could feel the vibration through her lips on his skin._

_Cool fingers brushed his cheeks and guided him down to her mouth, where they connected. Bringing his hands up to cup her face, he brushed away the wetness there and angled his head slightly to better join them._

_Feeling her shift, she was suddenly straddling him, the tears on her face falling on his due to gravity. He felt trembling fingers grasp at the hem of his shirt and struggle to pull it up, and he aided her in pulling it over his head._

_Then, she was kissing him again, her hands running up the smooth plane of his chest and latching onto his broad shoulders._

_"I don't want to let you go, Alenko," he felt her murmur against his lips, and the words made him pause. Though she was fumbling to make short work of his pants, he grabbed her hands to still them._

_"Hey, hey," he cooed as her face twisted into a grimace, a sob wracking her chest violently. "It's okay."_

_"No, it's not," she cried. "The whole galaxy is against us, Kaidan. I'm the Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre. People expect too much from me," she wept._

_"What is this about?" he asked, his voice laced with concern._

_"My mom knows about us," she sniffed. "She wants me to end things before this gets too messy."_

_"Oh," he said, a knot tightening in his stomach. "And?"_

_"I… don't know…" she muttered, her words shaky and uncertain. "She found out because Anderson knows."_

Oh, god.

_"Listen, Shepard…" he breathed. "I kind of pushed you into this. You wanted to follow the regs. So… what happens next is completely up to you," he said dejectedly._

_"Shut the hell up, Kaidan," she laughed slightly, wiping away the last of her tears. "You didn't push me into anything. I'm with you right now because I want to be," she righted._

_Sighing internally with relief, he smiled at her. "So, what does that mean?"_

_"It means," she said, holding his face, "that I'm not letting you go."_

* * *

They each stepped out of the tomkah, looking at the Shroud and the Reaper looming in the distance. Even Shepard had a pit in her stomach, completely unsettled by the impossible task they were facing.

"Anyone have a plan B?" she head James say as he walked forward, in awe of the scene before him.

"I know we've beaten the odds before…" Garrus said. "But getting to that tower… I don't know," he ended, sounding completely unsure and somewhat terrified.

"We're curing the genophage no matter what it takes!" Wrex said stubbornly. "Everything my people will ever be depends on it."

"Then I hope this idea you were talking about is a good one," Shepard said, her tone slightly biting.

"It was hers, actually," Wrex said, pointing to Eve.

"Kalros," Eve said simply. "We summon her to the Reaper," she said, as if it were a small feat.

"Would that even work?" Reila asked skeptically, crossing her arms.

"Already discussed strategy," Mordin interjected, defending the female krogan. "Just need to distract Reaper, draw it from tower while cure synthesized, released."

"What makes you so sure she'll come?" Shepard asked.

"Legends say she is the mother from which all thresher maws spawn," Eve said. "This is as much her home as ours."

"If Tuchanka has a temper, Kalros is it. Nobody's ever faced her and survived," Wrex added.

"We flew through the Omega 4 relay and survived. We can do this," Shepard said, trying to convince herself as much as her squad.

"That's the spirit, Shepard," Wrex said, laughing heartily.

"How would we summon her?" Shepard asked.

"The tower was built in an arena devoted to Kalros' glory. The salarians thought she would scare away intruders," Eve explained.

"Appears to have worked," Mordin spoke.

"There are two maw hammers there, the largest in existence," Eve clarified. "If you can activate them, Kalros will come. That should distract the Reaper."

"Meanwhile, laboratory nearby. Will finish synthesizing cure," Mordin ended.

"Let's make sure we all get out of here alive," Shepard said, a hint of a smile on her face. "We're going to have one hell of a story to tell."

"Wait-" Wrex stopped her, "I want you to know that no matter what happens… You've been a champion to the krogan people, a friend of Clan Urdnot," he continued, "…and a sister to me. To every krogan born after this day, the name 'Shepard' will mean 'hero!'" The two clasped hands tenderly, and Shepard smiled at the scarred krogan. "Now let's show them why!" he roared, slamming his fists together.

Suddenly, an inhuman sound caught her ears. They turned to see a swarm or ravagers charging towards them, making screeching noises. "Go!" Wrex yelled. "I got this!" Abruptly, he, too, was charging. "_I am Urdnot Wrex, and this is my planet!_" was his battle cry, and as Shepard rotated to leave, the last thing she saw was Wrex striking down a ravager ferociously.

Soon, she and her team were running through the ruins of the ancient temple, jumping over slabs of stone and ducking under crumbling archways. "Let's do this!" she exclaimed as a cluster of Reaper drones fell from the sky in a fiery ball.

Dropping behind a fallen column, she began to swiftly fire at the multiple cannibals that moved towards her, her squad following suit.

"_Shepard, I took care of the rachni_," Wrex said through their comm link. "_But someone has to raise those maw hammers before you can use them!_"

"We're kind of busy, Wrex!" she yelled breathlessly as she rolled out of the way of rapid fire.

"_Lucky for you, I'm here – I'll handle it_," Wrex grunted.

As the last cannibal fell, they continued and ran up a disintegrating staircase. Unexpectedly, Mordin's voice was in her ear. "_Shepard, some luck! Original strain in storage. Preparing the cure now_."

"Make it quick, Mordin! They're all over us out here," Shepard commanded.

As they moved forward, they made their way across a collapsing bridge. "Holy shit! Off to the left!" she heard James yell as she jumped over a large crack in the overpass.

Looking where James pointed out, she saw the Reaper's beam just in time. Jumping out of the way as the cannon cut cleanly through the stone bridge, it began to collapse underneath her feet. As she fell, she held her hands out to catch herself when she hit the ground. Standing and shaking her aching muscles, she heard the heavy footfalls of her companions jumping down to join her.

"Everyone alright?" she asked James and Garrus.

"Fine here," Garrus grumbled. "Er, mostly."

"I just got shot by a Reaper," James said, his voice harboring complete disbelief.

"Consider that practice," Shepard managed to joke through the pain.

"_Okay, Shepard. I raised the hammers_!" Wrex said loudly. "_You have to activate both of them. My advice it to avoid the giant laser_!"

Snorting as she ascended another staircase, she saw the hammers to the right and left of her in the distance. "Come on!" she yelled to her crew as she began to sprint forward. As she got nearer to the first hammer, the sky began to rain blazing pods of Reaper drones while the Reaper continuously fired at them.

"You've got to be kidding!" James bellowed as he dodged the fire of a group of marauders.

"Just keep moving and stick to cover!" Shepard called out as she charged forwards, trying to avoid all of the mayhem and chaos unfolding around her.

"Are we really doing this?" he asked her as they crouched behind a toppled pillar, hoping that the cover would give them a moment to breathe.

"Hell, yes, we are, Vega!" she yelled, looking in incredulity as something began firing at the Reaper. Turning around, she watched as a squadron of turian fighters flew overhead, continuing to fire.

"_Commander, this is Artimec Wing_!" a voice said in her ear. "_We'll try to give that Reaper something else to shoot at_!"

"I knew they wouldn't give up," Garrus said as they jumped over the pillar, continuing towards the hammer.

As more Reaper husks fell from the sky, Shepard found herself abruptly face-to-face with a brute. "Shit!" she yelled, unloading a clip of bullets into the creature.

"This is crazy!" Garrus yelled as he dealt with another.

Spearing the brute with her omni-tool, it fell to the ground with a sickening thud.

"Watch out!" she heard James warn.

"Holy fuck!" Shepard exclaimed as she found herself surrounded by a group of three more brutes. "Just keep running!" she ordered her teammates as she weaved around them. "There's too many of them to kill!"

Hearing the vicious growls of the brutes, cannibals, and marauders they left in their wake, Garrus joked nonchalantly, "I don't think they like being ignored!"

"Well, they cans suck my – fuck!" she exclaimed as one of the legs of the Reapers struck down in front of her. "Holy fuck shit!" she yelled out as she ran around it, adrenaline pumping through her veins at an especially fast pace.

"Easy, Commander," James teased. "It's just a Reaper."

"Very funny, lieutenant," she answered as they approached the first hammer. Activating it, she said into her comm, "Mordin, we hit the first hammer! How's it coming?"

"_Almost have cure. Eve's vital signs dropping. Trying to compensate_!" he responded.

"Okay," she ended. Signaling her team to follow, she ran in the opposite direction, towards the second hammer.

"Aw, hell!" James shouted as more brutes approached them.

"Shepard!" Garrus yelled as something heavy and thick strike her side.

"Augh!" she screeched as she felt the brute puncture her armor, cutting deep into the flesh of her side, possibly snapping a few ribs.

"You okay?" Garrus asked.

"I'll live!" she answered back, grimacing. "Keep… keep running!"

"_Shepard, get that second hammer going_!" Wrex ordered.

"There's a Reaper in my way, Wrex!" she responded, her aching legs moving as fast as humanly possible.

"_I know! You get all the fun!_" he teased.

After what seemed like an eternity of running and weaving through hordes of enemies, they arrived at the second hammer. As she triggered it, she told her squad, "Go, get back to the truck! I'll take care of the cure!"

Though they hesitated for a moment, they didn't resist as they turned and ran in the opposite direction that she was moving.

Feeling a quaking in the earth as Kalros emerged in the distance, the Reaper began to move towards her, directly over Shepard. She watched in awe as Kalros dived back under the ground right as she approached the Reaper. Then, she reappeared, slamming the Reaper with the full force of her body.

They both tumbled sideways, nearly hitting Shepard as she continued to trek forward. Staying out of the line of site of both the monstrous creatures, she jumped down a now-collapsed bridge and made her way towards the Shroud.

The Reaper above her twisted violently, sending Kalros crashing into the tower, forcing the colossal thresher maw to retreat back into the earth.

Just as Shepard was almost at the Shroud's entrance, she watched as Kalros reemerged from behind the Reaper, striking it down. Kalros then began to constrict the Reaper with her long body and started to drag the malfunctioning machine down into the ground with her.

Shepard had to take a moment to process what she had just witnessed as the last of Kalros disappeared with the Reaper.

Shaking her head, she turned and walked inside the Shroud, where Mordin came in running from another area to meet her. Without saying anything, he proceeded to furiously work on the console in the main room.

"Mordin, is the cure ready?" Shepard asked hopefully as he continued to work frantically.

"Yes. Loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve, but not lethal. Maelon's research invaluable," he explained without looking up.

"She's okay?" Shepard asked, breathing a sigh of relief at all he had just told her.

"Headed to safety now. Her survival fortunate," he said, his mouth curving upwards slightly. "Will stabilize new government should Wrex get any ideas. Good match; promising future for krogan," he praised.

"Damn!" Shepard yelled as a piece of the ceiling came crashing down.

"Control room at top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up," he described as he looked at her, his eyes showing understanding, peace, and acceptance.

"You're going up there?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes," he began. "Manual access required. Have to counter STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispersed properly."

"Mordin, this whole thing is coming apart. There's got to be another way!" she pleaded with the salarian doctor.

"Remote bypass impossible. STG countermeasures in place. No time to adjust cure for temperature variance," he said, pausing and looking down. "No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be… problematic."

As he began to walk towards the elevator, she followed, exclaiming, "Mordin, no!"

"Shepard, please," he said, stepping in the elevator and turning to face her. "Need to do this. My project, my work, my cure, my responsibility." He hesitated for a moment, a smile gracing his withered face. "Would have liked to run tests on the seashells."

"I'm sorry," was all she could say.

"I'm not. Had to be me." He sealed the elevator, waving slightly. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong. Goodbye, Shepard."

She watched the elevator ascend, and she knew she had to leave.

"Goodbye, Mordin."

* * *

**AN - I would love some reviews. I'm feeling unloved :(**


	13. We're Not All Gonna Make It

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Hey, Shepard. Got a minute?"

God knows she would've said no, she really would've, if it had been anyone other than Garrus. He had seen her at her worst, so she didn't really care if he was there. He stood in the doorway, big, plated turian that he was, and she knew he was here to make sure she was alright.

A sigh left her parted lips. "I'm fine, Garrus."

"That's not what I asked," he said lightly.

"Yeah, whatever. I've got a minute," she said, her voice a monotonous hum. Watching him warily as he entered her cabin, she turned completely in her chair and stood. "So what's up?"

He exhaled, and she knew that meant he was about to say something generally unpleasant. "I'm really worried about you, Shepard."

"I'm fine, Garrus," she repeated, hoping that this time he'd actually believe her.

"No, you're not. After all that Kaidan put you through, and now Mordin…" he trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, I just wanted to make sure you were… okay."

Trying to keep her rising temper from blowing out, she took a deep breath before speaking. "Yeah, Garrus. I'm really fine. Really."

"Shepard…" he murmured, stepping closer to her.

His inability to believe her, coupled with her exhaustion from the day's events, only caused her anger to flare. "Fuck, Garrus!" she exclaimed. "Do you _want_ me to break like the fucking _china doll_ that you think I am?"

"I don't think you're a china doll," he backtracked. "You're the strongest person I know."

"Then why are you always coddling me?" she asked.

"Because I've seen you fall apart before," he explained, his voice almost pleading. "You're not made out of stone, Shepard. And I might be the only person that knows that."

"You might be the only one that cares," she mumbled, and she saw his face darken.

She knew he wanted to punch something as his hands curled into fists. "Hell, Shepard, you know that's not true. Anyone on this ship would be there for you if you let them in," he explained. "But you don't. You block us out and pretend that everything's fine. Well, Shepard, I'm calling your bluff. I know that everything's _not_ fine."

She sighed, feeling herself succumbing to the debilitating emotions Garrus was forcing her to feel. "Death happens," she tried to blow him off, but he wasn't having it.

"Yeah, it does," he hissed. "But Mordin was a friend. To you and me," he told her, his voice dropping to a low hum. "I can't pretend that I'm not… shaken by his death, and you shouldn't either."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked him abruptly, her temper flaring brightly. "That I miss him? That he was a good friend and now he's dead?"

"Just admit that you're not okay," he said, "so I can help you."

"I have to be okay, Garrus, can't you see?" she growled seriously. "The whole fucking _galaxy_ is depending on me for survival. I can't just fall apart every single time something goes wrong," she said bitterly. "Not anymore."

"Okay," he hissed, "fine. I just thought you might need a friend."

Shepard sighed as he turned to walk away. "There's a lot of war left to fight, Garrus. And god knows not all of us are going to make it."

* * *

_There was nothing but panic rushing through her mind as she entered the apartment, her trembling hands holding the shopping bag tightly. Moving almost robotically, she walked into her bedroom, where she sat down lifelessly on the bed and dropped the bag by her feet._

_Though she should've been unsurprised that Kaidan was there, his voice saying her name and breaking her trance shocked her and made her jump. "Reila?" she heard him say again from the living room, this time with a little more force._

_"Yeah?" she yelled out, her voice coming out as shaky and unsure. "I'm in here."_

_Hearing his soft footfalls approach the bedroom, she let her head fall forward into her hands as she sighed heavily. "What's going on?" she heard him say with concern from the doorway. She didn't answer and remained in her pathetic position._

_She hear him move towards her, when she reluctantly looked up at him, he was crouched on the floor in front of her. Taking her hands in his, he kissed each of her knuckles before murmuring, "Hey."_

_"Hey," she said as she smiled softly at him._

_"Care to tell me what's wrong?" he asked her simply._

_Inhaling deeply, she shook her head. "It's… probably nothing," she thought aloud._

_"Okay?" he breathed, moving to join her on the bed. Wrapping his arm around her waist, she leaned into his embrace and sighed. "Is it that serious?" he inquired._

_"I… probably not," she answered, once again avoiding the direct question. After a moment, she turned her head slightly so she could kiss his neck. He didn't say anything, giving her the chance to tell him what was wrong. "Kaidan?" she finally spoke. "I think I might be pregnant," she admitted._

_After a few moments of stagnant silence, he still hadn't spoken. When lifted her eyes to look at his face, she was surprised to see his eyes closed and his brows furrowed with anger. Reaching up to touch his face with a soft hand, his eyes abruptly snapped open as he jumped to his feet and began to pace._

_"It's okay, Kaidan," she tried to soothe, completely unnerved by his rage._

_"No, it's not," he hissed, rubbing his face with his hand. "It's really not."_

_Taking a calming breath as he continued to pace, she tried to keep her composure as he lost his, considering she was already panicking on the inside. "We'll get through this, Kaidan," she tried to assure him._

_She watched as he paused and made a strangled noise of frustration, running his hand through his hair and closing his eyes again. "Shit," he cursed with vehemence, his complete loss of control truly upsetting her._

_"Can you please stop?" she asked, her voice trembling. "I'm barely holding it together as it is, and you really aren't helping," she tried to say steadily, though her voice broke on the last word._

_He opened his eyes to look at her, and when he saw her feeble state, his expression changed from one of anger to one of sympathy. "I'm sorry," he said, moving over and kissing the top of her head. "I'm just… so mad at myself for doing this to you," he admitted, shaking his head and pursing his lips. "I should've been more careful," he hissed._

_"Oh, hush," she said, relieved that he wasn't mad at her. "It takes two to tango, Mr. Alenko," she said, amusement dancing behind her words. He moved to sit beside her again while letting out a nervous laugh, and she leaned her head onto his shoulder. "Have we sufficiently calmed ourselves?" she teased._

_"Yes," he chuckled more effortlessly as she felt him relax. "So… do you…?"_

_"I bought a test," she answered, pointing to the bag by her feet. "I guess I should…"_

_"Yeah," he agreed._

_Sitting up straight, she nodded and leaned down to reach into the bag, pulling out a small, long box. "Be right back," she said, her voice shaky and stale. She walked into the bathroom, and, after a few moments, returned with the test in her hand._

_"How long?" he asked, and he sounded like he was speaking through cotton._

_"Two minutes," she answered, returning to her spot beside him. She saw his eyes automatically hone onto the tiny screen where the results would be displayed – either his savior or his conviction. Sighing, she felt his hand move to rub her back soothingly, though she knew he was feeling just as panicked as she._

_"God, I'm not ready for this," Kaidan admitted after a moment of silence, his eyes looking at her apologetically._

_"I know," she responded, "neither am I."_

_Of course, she had thought of having children, being a mother. She had just never imagined this part of her life coming so soon, interrupting all of the adamant plans she had conjured for her future. She had always intended to have been married for at least three years before kids could even be brought up, considering her and her husband's careers._

_Making a noise of frustration as time passed impossibly slowly, she felt the pressure of Kaidan's mouth on the base of her neck, calming her some. She looked at him - the strong, smart, loyal man for whom she had fallen so hard – and had the sudden realization that, no matter what happened, everything would be alright. After all, she would never love someone as much as she loved the sexy lieutenant; she knew that for a fact._

_But… if she was pregnant, what kind of mother would she be, coming from such a dysfunctional family? "I hope… I hope I'll be a better mother than mine," she said aloud, wanting Kaidan to truthfully allay her fears._

_"You will be," Kaidan said without hesitation. "Who wouldn't want the great Commander Shepard as their mom?" he asked. She could feel him watching her face as she laughed anxiously, shaking her head. "But in all seriousness… you'll be a great mom," he told her. "You're strong, compassionate, caring, protective, nurturing…"_

_"Everything mine wasn't," Shepard said bitterly, though she smiled at him despite her anger._

_A small beep came from her hand, and her head snapped down to look at the small screen._

_Negative._

_"Thank god," she breathed, feeling the tension evaporate from her stiff limbs. "Thank god."_

_"I know," he said, his own voice small and disbelieving._

_Dropping the test and turning to him, she grabbed his face and crashed her lips to his unexpectedly. When she pulled away slightly, she rubbed her thumbs along his cheekbones and simply smiled at him._

_"What?" he asked her, slightly unnerved by her staring at him._

_"Nothing, it's just that… maybe one day…" she said, trailing off. "We_

_could have a family together. Not now – not anytime soon, actually – but maybe one day."_

_"Yeah," he murmured, his eyes shining. "Yeah."_

_"After all, our babies would be sexy as hell."_

* * *

From the moment he got out of bed that morning, everything had gone to hell.

Getting an urgent message from the Council at 0600 hours is never a good sign (nor is it a good sign at any time, he'd assume). Pulling on his armor and grabbing his assault rifle, he headed to the Embassies to be with the Council members.

When he arrived about at around 0730 hours, Udina had an unreadable expression on his face, while the rest of the Councilors looked panicked and frightened. "Major Alenko, thank the Goddess you're here," Tevos, the asari Counilor, breathed.

"Where's the salarian Councilor?" Kaidan asked, confusion coloring his features. "What's going on?"

"We're not quite sure," Udina interrupted, his face stony and blank. "But Valern never made it here."

"What do we know?" Kaidan inquired.

"Early this morning, there was a distress call from many stations. We think there are intruders on the Citadel," Sparatus answered. "We think they might be Cerberus. They-"

The turian Councilor's words were cut off as an explosion resounded through their meeting room, causing its occupants to sway from the blast. Looking up, Kaidan saw assault troopers jumping down through the new gaping hole in the ceiling.

"Everyone," he called out loudly, "move! I'll cover you!" Grabbing his rifle and loading it, he began to send bullets through the advancing Cerberus lackeys as the Council made their escape.

"…_surrounded. Send help…_" a voice said through the static on his comm link.

"Councilor Valern?" he asked as he ran through the doors after the Councilors, leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake. "Is that you? What's your position?"

"_…assassin… after me..._" the salarian's voice said over the comm, the connection fading in and out.

"I'm coming, Councilor!" he assured the salarian, changing the frequency on his link. "Is anyone on this frequency?" he asked as he simultaneously shot a phantom in the head. "I need immediate assistance! Cerberus has us surrounded. I have the Councilors."

Static was his only reply.

"Shit!" he exclaimed as more assault troopers flooded into the area. "Get to cover!" he told the Councilors as he began to shoot into the mass of enemies.

He was panting by the time all the Cerberus operatives lay dead, and he scourged their corpses for information and ammo.

"What do we do, Major?" Tevos asked as she emerged from her place behind an overturned table, her pretty face marred by cuts and bruises and worry.

"We keep moving," he said simply, "and hope that reinforcements come soon."


End file.
